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Of Unicorns, Disney Boyfriends, and Glass Slippers

Have fairly tales influenced our decisions? Are the happy endings we read about cause for our constant disappointment?

As I am 27, many many wonderful people take the liberty of reminding me that I am no longer in my ‘blossoming youth’ - I tell them often enough that if they approach these grounds without bodily provision, I will make parts of their anatomies blossom. I am just kidding, I do not say a word, I simply cower away with the most hackneyed excuse of all time ‘I am waiting for my Prince Charming’. To this, I always get the same answer saying that I watch too many sappy movies, read too many Mills & Boons (yes, in secret till I was 20) and watched too many Disney cartoons and I have UNREAL expectations. Can you believe the audacity these people possess?

When I think about this now, I think boys have been influenced by fairy tales far more than girls. Why? If you do think about it, their behaviour, perspectives, and assumptions are rooted in those magical books courtesy of Hans Christian Anderson, Walter Disney, and possibly Pixar Animations. There is no substantial difference in the way these men behave, fictional or not. I have looked at a few "trends" modern day boyfriends emulate and I am almost certain they are identical to those portrayed by (fictitious) Princes over time, let me know if you agree, you get to decide.

To prove to you that some serious thought has gone in to this, I have looked seven dashing men of the kingdom of animation and ranked them with a score. In doing this, I trust there would be no legal or emotional toes trampled.

(1.) Rio (2/10) - Good looks; commitment-phobic.

Jem and the Holograms - remember Rio with the purple hair? Though animated, he was simply divine to an avid 8 year old. I would rate him negative, because he is clearly a philanderer who cannot make up his mind like most men I know. He liked both Jem and her hologram not knowing they were the same person. Looks like he dealt with a classic case of "do I go out with the sassy rock chick with a pound of makeup or the simple gal in bandana?". Cast away to Loserville, please.

These guys are better off being laboratory experiments than being left to reproduce. We all have that odd friend who is stuck in a rut unable to choose the type of girl he wants. There are a fair amount of ‘good’ girls, but he is of the notion that he can bag anyone he wants and keeps everyone confused about which direction he wants to take and ends up being single. There are the nice girls who like them, but nay, they want to ‘keep their options open’ as they cannot understand the process of narrowing down.


(2.) Eric (6/10) Gorgeous, loves dogs, but easily distracted.

Eric, in Little Mermaid is the reason why I like(d) boys with good eyebrows. It's all good that he is grateful to Ariel for saving his life and falls in love with her, despite her being mute, but the moment Ursula turns up (with Ariel's singing voice) he dumps Ariel So, yes, everyone has communication problems - you will argue over the same matter a million times and still have a go again if you need to. Some couples decide to ignore problems so much it breeds nasty consequences. FIX your communication issue pronto!

It's like times never change; boys still do this. They have a great piece of steak on their plate, but the moment they spot a lobster thermidor, they are out of the door so fast, they forget and leave their shadow behind. Have you met guys who cannot decide on cake he wants? No, not only does he want to have the cake and eat it, this type wants many cakes not realizing there is only so much cake one can it. Unless they are me, of course.

Boys must learn to understand that when they do get the girl of their dreams, they should stop weaving more dreams. You get the girl who checks all boxes on your list, then this is when the power of punctuation is tested. Period.


(3.) Prince Charming - (Debarred)

Cinderella's prince barely knew her, but is so infatuated with her that he reveals some sort weird fetish for female shoes. Girls love being pursued, but this is clinically wrong. Kings of Stalker-dom, please take note, and write it in a permanent marker - girls love it when a guy plays a little hard to get. Pride, in smaller doses is a turn on. Where is this guy’s dignity? Also, Cinderella was probably in to it for the money, if the shoe fit well why did it come off?


(4.) Li Shan of Mulan fame - Disqualified!

Reveals the beginning of sadomasochism. He doesn’t like Mulan as a regular girl, but is suddenly good enough when she is in armour? Mulan, where is your brain? Did it go on annual vacation, never to return? This guy should be kept away in a mental institution with maximum protection.

This is the random guy in a group who will always reserve his comments about anything and everything. You could be discussing KFC’s buy one get one free bucket promotion, 50% off sale at Glitz, a car accident and nada, not even eye contact. However, you start talking about a girl towards whom there is general dislike, and just like that you hear a distinct ‘I think she’s hot’. You just don’t know how to respond in situations like this.


(5.) John Smith (6/10) - Hot, blond - brain and brawn combo.

Pocahontas is ‘spirited’, naive and betrothed to some other guy is coincidentally John’s newest conquest. Have you noticed that it’s always when you are ‘taken’ the guy you fancied for years decides he must declare his unending love for you? It’s always when you start dating someone and you are perceived as ‘no longer in circulation’ that they decide to ask you out. There is always the severe demand and supply gap in (local) hot guys, naturally when this suave boy-chick is in town, he wants a conquest. He wants to mark his territory, like how dogs lift their leg every ten yards. Can I get her to leave him for me? I’m so hot and buff, she’d leave him for me in an instant sort of mentality. Assuming you do eventually fall for him, and decide to dump the present fellow, he WILL drop you like a hot cup of milo. He would have liked you, but he knows he can always get another. John, although incredibly cute, suffers from this disorder.


(6.) Shrek - (10/10) Not your average prince.

Oh well, what the frig, he’s green and he likes girl who is also of the same colour. Maybe opposites don’t always attract?


(7.) Prince Derek from Swan Princess - (3/10) Beauty, I seek only beauty.

Rothbart kidnaps Odette when she was running away from callous Derek who proposes to her at the ball, because he is captivated by her beauty. So get this, you can have a career, a Masters Degree or a PhD, BUT your existence is validated by your looks. As for your talent, skills, brains, they simply are not an accepted measure. There are many Dereks I know of. I must tell you of this person who once promised that he would have married me in an instant if I only dropped 25kg. Yes, men are that shallow and no, I didn't kill him.

So there you have it! Seven princes of the past that have influenced dear boys the world over for decades.

The next time you are woeful about your current man situation and the lack of unicorns, Disney boyfriends and glass slippers, please think again before you blame the world, society and their mothers for the general downfall of the male species.


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