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Does Size Matter?

My first question to a close friend after she declares she's just engaged in vigorous copulation is not 'How good was it?' or 'How long did it last?' - It’s ‘How BIG is it?’ I use my hands as means of measurement. Anything from elbow to wrist is a ‘unicorn’ – midway there and I smile my seal of approval. If I have to use my fingers, then it’s a different story altogether.

In strange way, there seems to be a positive correlation between the size of a man's penis and a woman’s satisfaction in bed. Think about it. Women, from the very beginning, have been 'gatherers', which ideally means they sow, reap and they secure provisions for their family. In a contemporary scenario, women are independent and we only expect men to provide the things and feels a dildo cannot. Women are financially independent, confident, career-minded individuals who buy their own Prada bags, drive a swanky number, and book their own vacation air tickets online. As gatherers who preside on having the biggest crop, women tend to want men who are well-endowed in their nether regions. When I say ‘crop’ I give it a whole new meaning!

I asked on Facebook if size mattered, and amongst those who replied I have a three intriguing concepts which I am going to put forth to you to decide if size really does matter!

If you're like me, you treat yourself to an occasional éclair and when you stand at the counter looming over the prospect of indulging in a rich, moist and decadent éclair, do you tell the person behind the counter which one you want by pointing at the biggest éclair that you think would be most satisfying? Value is the name of the game. You need to make sure you get the most amount of cream filling, most ganache for the price you pay.

So, in this context we believe that the longest and largest penis would provide us with the greatest satisfaction. Which is not always the case because according to WebMD the average vaginal cavity is between 2.75 - 3.5 inches - where does the rest of his 6 inches go, if it can only accommodate half of this size? Personally, I have always banked on girth. As is the case with most girls, we think the bigger something is, the better it will be; a bigger refrigerator to store more food, a bigger walk in closet to fold away linen, bigger fruits picked from the shelves for more yield and a bigger buffet offers value for money. It’s in our nature to believe that the bigger something is the more value it will have in store!

Once, a friend told me that she needed a fling because she was getting bored with quick ‘Do It Yourself’ sessions. She fell for a buffed beau, complete with abs, Superman-esque shoulders. There was very little need for conversation; the rush was to de-pant him. She was so sure that certain parts of her were emitting smoke when he stripped down to his black Diesel briefs, but nearly cried when he stood stark naked. Her jaw dropped softly when a barely five inch erection saluted her. Crestfallen, she went ahead with the foreplay, hoping this may lead to further elongation. With disappointment, a pang of humiliation and waiting to get on the phone with her best friend to provide detailed accounts of his manhood, she did what she came to do, she spread her legs.

What startled her even more was how pleasurable the sex was; naturally, they had to go through a few techniques until they figured which worked best for his size and her cravings. As we are told not to judge a book by its cover, one should not leap into despair at length. Girth is your friend. His physical abilities outshone his ‘shortcomings’ when she begged him to stop when she orgasmed five consecutive times.

So, for girls who seek the largest éclair (have I ruined éclairs for you now?), maybe your trust should lie in the hands of the baker instead of the product; an experienced baker would know exactly how to knead your dough. Yeah, I’m smiling as I say this out loud.

I like to believe that couples’ bodies adapt to each other when you grew closer and you do eventually fall in love; I started believing this because of Boyfriend 3 who would swear my arms adjusted to accommodate him while watching TV. Before I go any further, I would like to challenge anyone who has ever heard anyone said, "His penis is four inches long and I love it".

In all my years, I have never heard of anyone complain of size in the face of love. The reason for this, as I see it, is because love tends to hide flaws, and when you’re in love, everything else is irrelevant. You tend to succumb to a thinking pattern along the lines of ‘Sure, he has no Amazonian anaconda in his pants, but he does things with his tongue that are too good to be true’, and naturally when you are in love all flaws are insignificant.

An example of this is when you place an order for a hotdog and it's taking some time, but that's okay because you know it's going to be so good and it's going to hit the spot. When it arrives, your heart sinks. It's small, shriveled up and dry. You've already paid for it, so there's nothing much you can do but accept it, just the way it is. Instead of moping around you Instagram pictures of your food in the most artistic angle possible and have people swoon over it. In the same manner, when you are in love, you flaunt the nicer things about the relationship and you slowly come to terms with the deficiencies.

I hate to ruin sausages for you too, but sometimes when you’ve made an effort to acquire one, the chances are that you’re not going to be finding
faults with it. If it’s going to serve the ultimate purpose of vanquishing hunger maybe the presentation doesn’t matter as much.

This scenario differs when it’s a one night stand – there are no emotions or attachments and the chances are that you won’t see him again and it’s your right to slander him! Many meet ups with friends have been spiced because of such stories, and you probably have a code for this particular part of his anatomy, for example, KitKat (and I don’t even mean the Chunky ones either) and you take every opportunity you can to WhatsApp each other pictures of KitKat and laugh so hard at work until your colleagues think it’s high time you see the insides of an asylum.


When I was younger, circa 1991 – 1993, it was all the rave to have as many Barbie dolls possible, because life as we know it dictated that the one who owns the most dolls is loved the most by her parents. I remember bragging to my seven-year-old friends that I had 50 Barbie dolls. Why 50? It was possibly the largest number I knew at the time. However, my point is that empty vessels create the loudest noise. What I said was nowhere close to the truth.

When someone outside my circle starts a conversation with "Oh, he had the biggest-" I sometimes stop them midway to ask what their comparison is based on; essentially, how big a slut are you to have seen so many for you to make a comparison. Sometimes, when you have nothing to else to fall back on, people would resort to any means to make their stories far more interesting than it appears. No Barbies, no stories, no friends, comprendēs?

So there you have it – three scenarios that tell us that size necessarily is not such a hot deal. There’s more to making fireworks in bed than what meets the eye. My challenge to you is to be more creative – find out what works best, for both of you. You’d be surprised at the cannon balls, submarines, and all other forms of armament you would discover together; with this let’s draw a curtain on the most clichéd bedroom topic of all – ‘Does Size Matter?’ because it's what you can do that really matters!

As always, I would love to hear from you – do feel free to inbox me on my Facebook page ‘Ms. Confidential’ or reply in the comments section below. It’s the world’s best feeling to have someone tell me that they can relate to my mindless ramblings!
(10 April 2015)

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References : Worth, T., 'Does Vagina Size Matter?', Women's Health, ; Retrieved on 09 April 2015 from


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