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Ten Types of Ex-Boyfriends!

Let me tell you a wonderful story about my first breakup.

Age - 17
Location - Colombo
Year - 2003

I started talking to this dark, mysterious architect-type who was eleven years my senior; I spoke to him for over two months, met him once, and then mustered the courage to tell him that I liked him. He laughed and said these very words, "Darling, I like you too. Like a daughter or maybe a sister". I cried for six straight months.

World over, Ben and Jerry's, Hershey's, Cadbury's, and other confectioners profit as women strive to stabilize raging hormonal conditions resulting from insulting, heart-wrenching breakups. Each worse than the other, some more dramatic than the other and there are still others which are more public than others. This will not be how breakups take place, but rather how these swine try so hard to be a part of our lives, when everything is done and dusted. If they tried this hard when they were still in relationships with us, they would not be our Exes, right?

Some former lovers make good detectives, whilst some others whither away it to nothingness - some want to be friends and some hate you for no apparent reason.

Let's try to classify these douchebags, shall we?

1.) The Sherlock :
These are the boyfriends who are jealous, vindictive and possessive whilst in the relationship and when they are branded as the Ex-es, they take to every type of social media, just so that they could find out what you're up to. You could try to block them in vain, but they would create fake profiles so that they could find out where you were over the weekend; what you ate for lunch on Wednesday and if you have added any new male friends who are now actively 'Liking' and commenting on your Facebook timeline.
These guys would know all your activities and would try to draw conclusions about the relationships you have by keeping track of how many times a one person of the opposite sex likes your pictures on Instagram; he would think that your dress sense is 'slutty' now because of the people you associate, in the same manner, your behavioural change is because of the people you associate and they would piece this information together by stalking you and making assumptions. Completely unnecessary information on their part, and you try to avoid all possible people who would be linked to him so that information does not reach him. This category could be called the 'Stalker'.
2.) Hitler :
This is when a boyfriend graduates to the point where they are introduced to your posse. They get along well with them, making it in to their guest list, are tagged in their Facebook pictures, they even have separate Boyfriends-only nights, which is great! You're relieved that your friends have accepted him as their own, and we all know that it's only a valid relationship once your inner circle approves. After a breakup, you would normally not really mind being friends with him or him associating your friends, instead he turns in to Hitler and cuts you and all the good friends he's made off like alien predators with herpes. You and your friends are now the irrefutable enemies and their sole aim in life is to vanquish you from planet earth. Some even take to social media to slash you - accusing you of misdemeanors never committed. I mean, what happened to growing up? Your friends tell you of situations where they run in to him in public and he feigns ignorance, you want to email to let him know that he's not 13 and isn't a part of the Mean Girls squad.
3.) Mr. Invisible :
This is when you have no idea what happened to him - you forget or you make a conscious decision to avoid him and suddenly out of no where many millennia later, he creates a fake profile on Facebook and messages you to say that he's proud of you and everything you have achieved. An actual message received contains "You have blossomed in to a wonderful young lady" - like, who says 'blossoms' in this day and age? These types are best left invisible.

4.) The Godfather :
He refuses to get out of your life and still thinks he can exercise controls as when you were with him. His domineering ways were probably why this relationship ended anyway. He still thinks he can say, "You should not associate him", "You should switch jobs because I don't this this environment suits you", and "I don't approve of your new relationship". As not a single f**k is given about his thoughts, you continue this course of action and he threatens to cut you off, and you say, "Yes, please, I want that". Future boyfriends should be warned to steer clear from the Godfather, because his imminent presence will naturally make it very awkward for your new quests. Instead of gunning you down, the Godfather may target the new boyfriend for assassination. By this I mean that he's most likely to receive an anonymous text from the Godfather warning him of a tramp (you) and that many 'shot-guns' have been fired in your 'valley' and he's better off alone.

5.) The Mummy :
Unlike Mr. Invisible in type 3, the 'Mummy' doesn't create a fake profile when he messages you every millennium. You have to ask, "Who is this?" to their text message because you genuinely don't have his number saved on your phone, and they reply, "The one who loved you the most" and you take a break to reply because you are doubling over the toilet vomiting. Just like mummies, these ex-boyfriends are trapped in a time zone that is no longer relevant, except for historical purposes.

6.) The Bestie :
This savage jerk-off calls you in 24 hours of breaking up with you with the audacity to tell you that 'despite everything, I'd still like to have you as a friend'. To quote Justin Timberlake, you have "Cried Him a River" and you have destroyed half a million trees by using that many tissues and gained 700 lbs. in 24 hours with all the ice cream you've consumed and he texts you saying, 'Heyyyyyy.. how's you?" and if you're like me you'd reply saying "Die, bitch". The gall they have to ask why they've been removed and blocked on Facebook. You tend to wonder why you dated someone with such low IQ. He'd even ask you to lunch 'as friends' because 'we are adults and can put the past behind us' - and you're like, 'You destroyed my life you cryptic piece of ass hair!'.

7.) The Hooch :
Unlike 'The Bestie', this type only wants you for physical reasons. Only. He'd send you texts at 2am saying, "Remember how we did it seven times without a break?". You don't even reply him, there aren't sufficient swear words in the world to reply him. This type usually texts you saying,
"I know you hate me right now, but I know you need sex - remember, I'm here" Yes, his 'point' of comforting you is an erection, not a shoulder to cry on.
"Babe - all I have to do is think of your fine ass, and I already have a hard-on" - you can reply, "Oh good, take a picture of it because we both know it won't last too long".
"I've never known a woman who gets that wet so soon" - you were actually thinking of your favourite celebrity, but whatever rocks his boat.
"I hate to think of anyone else doing you - but LOL, I can do you again if you like". He was clearly the fastest sperm, subject to some forms of deformity.
The Hooch on the extreme side of undesirable may also want to get with your friends; they would try to use sympathy as a way of getting close to them, but all they are really after is sex.

8.) Christian Grey :
Also know as the Benefactor - you really don't understand his agenda. You never did. He doesn't call or text you, but suddenly on your birthday he sends you the latest iPhone and there's nothing thereafter. You text him to tell him you cannot accept it, but there's no reply. #NewLevelOfPshycho perhaps? You don't understand what he wants in return and then again there's nothing he wants from you. It's like a rejection with roses and you don;t know how to feel about it.

9.) Spongebob and Squidward :
This is the type of Ex-boyfriend who is just like Spongebob - you're openly wicked to him, you refuse to be in his company, you are sarcastic to a point where you want to award yourself for that level of creativity just like Squidward, but just like Spongebob he refuses to be anything but deliriously happy around you. You tend to wonder if he's really dim or if he's just doing this to annoy you - you've done everything possible, but it's apparent that he still adores you and his vision is only limited to you, with a haze blurring out everything around you.

10.) Mr. Forever-Love :
With this type, you actually worry. You were probably his first true love and you kind of wrecked his heart. You heard from different sources that he had resorted to alcohol and recreational drugs to get over you - I mean, it's not your fault that you are so awesome, right? But years later, when you have passed three or four relationships in a decade, you hear that he hasn't ever had a serious relationship. He lost his virginity to you in his late teens, he wrote love letters to you professing his eternal and undying love for you, he even quoted songs in his letters, he was probably the only guy you knew who bothered with a picture collage piecing together some of your best memories. He was a sweetheart, but you got bored. A decade later, you wonder if it's because he still loves you that he chooses to be single, but you dismiss the thought because you know full well that what didn't work then will not work now.

Ex-boyfriends are certainly a disease - a permanent scar you will have with you; fortunately, some have 'nicer' ones and some don't. With the passage of time, as is with all instances, your wounds become your victory and as we evolve in to mothers and grand-mothers, we can dish out great pieces of advice from our experiences and if not for them who'd we bitch about over brunch with the girls, right? Some of the best entertainment comes in the form of discussing former significant men in our lives, who have tried or triumphed.

Voila! There you have it - Ten types of Ex-Boyfriends we have all encountered! Can you relate to any of them? Have I missed out anything you had in mind - do let me know in the comments!

(28 March 2015)


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