Age - 17
Location - Colombo
Year - 2003
I started talking to this dark, mysterious architect-type who was eleven years my senior; I spoke to him for over two months, met him once, and then mustered the courage to tell him that I liked him. He laughed and said these very words, "Darling, I like you too. Like a daughter or maybe a sister". I cried for six straight months.
Some former lovers make good detectives, whilst some others whither away it to nothingness - some want to be friends and some hate you for no apparent reason.
Let's try to classify these douchebags, shall we?
1.) The Sherlock :
These guys would know all your activities and would try to draw conclusions about the relationships you have by keeping track of how many times a one person of the opposite sex likes your pictures on Instagram; he would think that your dress sense is 'slutty' now because of the people you associate, in the same manner, your behavioural change is because of the people you associate and they would piece this information together by stalking you and making assumptions. Completely unnecessary information on their part, and you try to avoid all possible people who would be linked to him so that information does not reach him. This category could be called the 'Stalker'.
2.) Hitler :
3.) Mr. Invisible :
4.) The Godfather :
5.) The Mummy :
6.) The Bestie :
7.) The Hooch :
"I know you hate me right now, but I know you need sex - remember, I'm here" Yes, his 'point' of comforting you is an erection, not a shoulder to cry on.
"Babe - all I have to do is think of your fine ass, and I already have a hard-on" - you can reply, "Oh good, take a picture of it because we both know it won't last too long".
"I've never known a woman who gets that wet so soon" - you were actually thinking of your favourite celebrity, but whatever rocks his boat."I hate to think of anyone else doing you - but LOL, I can do you again if you like". He was clearly the fastest sperm, subject to some forms of deformity.
The Hooch on the extreme side of undesirable may also want to get with your friends; they would try to use sympathy as a way of getting close to them, but all they are really after is sex.
8.) Christian Grey :
9.) Spongebob and Squidward :
10.) Mr. Forever-Love :
Ex-boyfriends are certainly a disease - a permanent scar you will have with you; fortunately, some have 'nicer' ones and some don't. With the passage of time, as is with all instances, your wounds become your victory and as we evolve in to mothers and grand-mothers, we can dish out great pieces of advice from our experiences and if not for them who'd we bitch about over brunch with the girls, right? Some of the best entertainment comes in the form of discussing former significant men in our lives, who have tried or triumphed.
Voila! There you have it - Ten types of Ex-Boyfriends we have all encountered! Can you relate to any of them? Have I missed out anything you had in mind - do let me know in the comments!
(28 March 2015)