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When An Ex Texts!

As I celebrate the second-year anniversary of my blog 'One Tart Too Many' this month, I want to pay tribute to ex-boyfriends the world over who provide us with much entertainment in the form of varied post-break up text messages; you lighten brunch, coffee and crack us up when screen shots of such conversation are shared on WhatsApp groups!

If I had my way, ex-boyfriends would be banished into some far away land without Wi-Fi, electricity and would only have cacti to snack on.
Some messages are quite sad, whilst some others have us laughing so hard and it is only by use of gestures we ask the 'sharer' to stop! I was watching The Simpsons last Friday night (sad!), and I started to wonder if there could more reasons why our former partners reach out to us weeks, months, or sometimes years after the conclusion of a relationship.

Oh, what I would give to spend a day inside a man's mind - somewhere racked away amongst nudes of adult actress Sunny Leone, scores of games they follow religiously, outrageous acts performed in their adolescence, there must be an alarm that sounds off that wills them to make contact with their ex-girlfriends. My theory is that this alarm is sounded off for different reasons and at different times, which lead me to compile a list of what may fuel their actions.

1.) New name, new game.
This is when they find out that their ex-girlfriends are with someone new, someone nicer and someone who is willing to do more for her than you could ever imagine. It's like Ciara song, 'I bet' - she says that they're not afraid to lose you until you're gone, and they finally see you for who you are once they are with someone new.
They leave in anticipation of greener pastures, but only start valuing you when they step on fresh turd on these pastures when they know that you're gone, physically, mentally and emotionally. When you are finally in a better place and they find out, they come rushing back because they are afraid to accept that maybe you are happier now without them.
And when they do, entire lyrics of songs 'copy-pasted' into a WhatsApp message, begging you to 'Please Forgive Me'; some of these low-lives twist your arm reminding you of the best day of his life, something you tediously orchestrated in order to get inside your head.

2.) Drunk texts. Obvs.
A steady stream of Long Island iced tea does no good to a male brain; they go two ways - they are either amorous or vile! It ranges between, "I miss you, Babe. Come back", "You were the best, I am sorry I let you go" or "Youaref**kingmineiwantuback". Recently, a younger male friend confided that he resorts to honesty when drunk; he says that the alcohol gives him Dutch courage and he encouraged me to take what men say in their drunken state more seriously.
In the land of 'Single - Senanayake', drunk texts don't mean anything, even when he says, "Even the dogs miss you and refuse to eat".

3.) He realizes that you have moved on, with or without anyone else.
I think the greater insult is when your ex-girlfriend licks her wounds and comes back stronger, without anyone else. She isn't looking for a substitute because she's stronger on her own, nor does she want you back, because she opened her eyes to realize that you were scum from the very beginning and she's done justifying you.
It irritates the former lover even further when she doesn't wane for his attentions, and no matter what you spin on her she seems immune to your best BS. When she refuses your text "I'll be a changed person and I will try harder to be the man you want, why don't you want me back?", and you ask her why she replies "Just because".
And with that, women all over the plant applaud her courage.

4.) He misses you.
It could be that his friends tell him that he's lost 'an amazing bird' or that he likes awake, haunted by what he did to you and how badly he ended it, but he misses you. He remembers how you would laugh as you lay next to him, how he would wake up to your texts, the simple adoration, your loyalty, and tries to win you over; he is genuinely apologetic - but you've moved on. You have burned the cards, gotten rid of the teddy bears and adjusted the phone's dictionary to remove all the terms of endearment you called each other.
You busted a small fortune on a new hair-do and started CrossFit, heck, you're so much better off without that!

5.) They are horny. You were the best he's had.
These are the texts you get at 2am saying "I remember how wet you get" or "I'm hard just thinking about you, one last time?".
You can't even.

6.) You were the best they've had. Period.
His current lady probably treats him as the defecation he is, and he remembers how you patiently listened to his lies and accepted them as the whole truth. How he would be morphed in a cocktail of cheap drugs and alcohol and you would drive to him, take him home and let him puke on you and then stay up the whole night making sure he's okay, and make the best hangover cure breakfast. You've paid his phone bills, lent him money for his rent; done his laundry, done his chores and you didn't even receive a thank you.
Now, he wants you back.
Unfortunately, WhatsApp is yet to create an emoji for the raised middle finger.

7.) His mother pressures him into marriage.
Time's a-ticking sailor, and the last girl was the real deal, let's try to rope her back in, shall we?
For all he cared, you could have been a mop with a pulse, he'll take you back just to get his mother off his case.

8.) He enjoys a challenge.
This is just a rodeo challenge he thrives on - winning the girl back!
Day 1- You return to your cubicle after a series of meetings to find your desk amassed with flowers; Day 2 - He sends you cupcakes with letters that spell out the inevitable 'I Miss You', or calls you incessantly on every possible number until you have to explain to the telephone operator that you genuinely fear for your life and ask them to say you have resigned and died. Day 3 - A collage of all your pictures arrive at your residence with a card that says 'We Are Forever' - you take a deep breath and dial his number; this has to end.
This is a very tricky situation because he does everything you've always wanted to make you believe that he is indeed a changed man. It's just the challenge. He probably boasted to his wonderful 'maties' that he'll win the girl back and there's a probably a large wager with your name on it.

9.) He tries to make you jealous.
Unlike the situation above, he doesn't impress you with chivalrous acts; if he works with you, he would gyrate against the sluttiest girl at the office party in front of you, or even deliberately date someone you dislike and flood his Instagram with InstaCollages of them in varied stages of stuffing his tongue down her throat.
Trash, meet trash.

So, here are nine reasons why I think ex-boyfriends try weasel their way back into our lives! Do you agree? Have I missed out on anything?
On a serious note, it's hard to not react when an Ex texts, no matter how long it's been - the most important thing to remember is that just because he texts you or calls you, it doesn't mean he has changed and is willing to be the man you want him to be.
Now, do I have your agreement to banish them of to the said Wi-Fi-less land? Maybe this land could also be swarming with mutant human-devouring tarantulas too?


Anonymous said…
Interesting to see a woman's perspective. I'd say quite high on the list is horniness - sometimes they just want to relive a sexual experience or two. As for game playing, men are divided into two: those who know how to play games and those who don't know how (the majority) . Those who play games have evolved to do so because they know that most women want the emotional foreplay that comes with the early stages of dating. Women are used to and many even require a heady degree of pursuit but it needs to be done correctly or else the man seems needy or desperate. It is an altogether unnecessary dalliance but I regret to add that it is women who need this subtext. Manipulative people on the other hand play games simply because they're hardwired to do so - it's not linked to the ex dynamic. Wonderfully written post though!
What's more interesting for me is to see this from a man's perspective! I agree that most men don't quite have the necessary skill to 'play' - how unfortunate for them. You seem to understand a lot about emotional foreplay that women, including myself fall flat on our face for. See, this is the essence of this post, to make sure women are not susceptible to any of that. Thank you for your generous compliments, I do appreciate it. Have a good weekend!

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