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A Letter to My Future Boyfriend

As I contemplate how blissful my current single status is, I thought there might come a time where I might revel in the realms of a relationship and think what a loser I was to laze around every weekend in sweatpants, uncombed hair, having chocolate as my diet for the day, and making it my personal goal to spend as little time as possible awake.

After being single for so long, it's not going to be easy to switch to the 'taken' mode - I remember facing this with Boyfriend 3 who used to find my mobile phone off for the greater part of Sunday because I'd rather sleep undisturbed than speak to him! (I was even puzzled when there were 31 missed call alerts and 19 text messages)

When you have been alone (not to be mistaken with lonely) for long you tend to succumb to a mold of sorts; your behavioural patterns skew; your social skills limit itself into a comfortable threshold and you redefine your 'sanctuary' - what I am trying to say is that you choose sleep over company. You tend to rush home on a Friday night, only to slip into your pajamas at 6:30 PM only to stream an entire season of your favourite TV series; a true story, eh amigo?

About 4 years ago, I was told that I don't require a partner in life because I am my own boyfriend. It took me a while to understand that it didn't mean that I merely partake in sensory pleasure by myself but that I have grown accustomed to looking out for myself, I have been through enough to know what to say to make myself feel better and I get by without the 'better half'. I shop for myself, spoil myself with an occasional luxury of chocolate, treat myself to a day at the spa and motivate myself saying that I can do three push ups straight!

In time, if the climate on the Isle of Single Senanayake were to change and if I were to write a letter to my Future Boyfriend, it'll be something like this:

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Dear Future Boyfriend,

In order for you to qualify into the category of being my 'boyfriend', you have braved much and soldiered tirelessly to prove that two is better than one. You have single-handedly convinced me that we are a better team and even though I am perfectly capable of competing by myself, maybe we could have a better synergy together; your attempts to tame the raging storm deserve a standing ovation.

I hope you're not too angry for the times I played hard to get and told you that I was busy or just ignored your call without an explanation. I wanted to see how much you were willing to try because you're going to need so much more patience when you deal with me while in the relationship; I wanted you to see that I wasn't the easy type who added random people on Facebook because they looked good. Although I may not have the ideal thigh gap, I wanted you to know that there were other ways that I will compensate for that.

I am going to remember every detail of the day you asked me out, and that's not going to be the only anniversary we celebrate; I have been single for too long to celebrate just one anniversary, on to this list please add 'first kiss', 'first date', 'first conversation', 'first movie'. Yes, by now you would fathom why I have been single for so long.

During the first few days, I will be all smiles and I promise you this is not an act. I want you to know that you did this and it's not the effect of some cheap drug. My 'true colours' will emerge with the passage of time, so for now enjoy the weeks I pretend to be a proper lady. Suddenly, like thunder in a desert, I will bite you - it will be a finger at first, but before you contemplate moving and changing your number, it is only my way of showing you affection. You will get used to this and many more 'acts of affection' (or not).

When you asked me out, I hold that you dramatized it to the best of your efforts because when I regale it to my friends; I'm naturally going to exaggerate all incidents by 25% to make you seem even more extraordinary than you are. I need it to be the fairy tale of the century! The chances are that I am going to talk about you with my friends days or weeks before you even begin to notice me. They will know everything that I would know about you because there will be a WhatsApp group created with your name and possible pictures of you that I taken when no one noticed. Don't be alarmed by the overwhelming love you receive from my friends when they treat you like an old friend.

Maybe I'm still in the phase where I find it hard to imagine that you would love me for myself because I still haven't completely learned to love and accept me for myself. I would try to suck my breath in when I sit in front of you because I wouldn't want you to see that muffin top that I have carefully concealed under a darker, sombre coloured dress with my hands crossed; I may sit with my legs together to appear to be more polite and lady-like. My make-up would be flawless because I would assume the full length of my natural eyelashes would not impress you. Somehow I will imagine that you would be repulsed by the puffy under-eye bags and dark rings that are a result of stress at work and will scour YouTube videos that can help me minimize them overnight. It will be comforting to hear you say that you like my eyes, and you barely notice the puffiness. I will find out what your favourite colours are and replace my entire wardrobe with this to make myself more appealing to you, even though I know you wouldn't care for such trivialities.

I may tell you that I am on a diet of proteins and would discourage any added sugar in the juice I order but I would love it if you surprise me with a bag of treats or (and) ├ęclairs for no reason. It will be hard to discuss my former relationships with you - my silence shouldn't make you think that there are any feelings left. You have never been further from the truth. If ever I do tell you about them it will be because I want you to understand how deeply it hurt me and I want you not to do that to me; be careful with what you tell me about your ex-girlfriends because I am human after all and I will interpret it as you telling me that they were far better than me.

I will tell you at the start what will end it for us, and if you do commit any of those five unmentionable acts, I will understand it as you wanting to get out and I will never take you back.

Being single for so long has not depleted my pride; please do not expect me to apologize first even when it's clearly my fault. I can wait for your apology for days, I would hate the silence, but I need to know that you allow me my ways and you value me more than losing face. Consider this as the worst trait that you would have to deal with because I will remain loyal to you during the entirety of our relationship; I won't be stalking your friends on Instagram and wish I was with them instead of you or wear much too tight attire to the gym and squat 3 centimeters away from the best looking guy there.

Oh, and I do know how to change a light bulb, and work my way through minor handy-work around the house - I would like to be complimented for this but would like to be told to 'Step back babe, I've got this'. Hands clasped, I'm just going to stand back and watch you handle it, I'm even going to keep my mouth shut and not tell you how to do it better because I am going to savour having a man do this for me.

During a 20 minute drive, I may claim that seventeen out of the nineteen songs played on the radio are my favourite songs; it's exasperating, but it would be nice if you didn't say, "But you just said the one before was your favourite and you can die having that on repeat!"

When I get accustomed to having you around and when you allow me the security to be myself, I may zone out and have blank moments; it could last for a few seconds or a few minutes - please don't assume I'm mad; maybe your ex-girlfriend gave you the silent treatment but I forbid you from asking me if I am "PMS-ing".

I will allow you time to spend with your friends, and in reciprocity I would appreciate if you allow me time with my girls. In all fairness, if ever I wanted to leave you when things get sour, they would be the first to back YOU up and encourage me to stay on - be nice to them! If you agree to watch ‘Sex And The City’ with me, you will be the best boyfriend ever. If you laugh along with me I promise you that I will never ask for more.

There will come a time where we will share moments of intimacy - there will be so many emotions running through my mind. Amongst them will be fear if you will love me the same because I don't look like a Victoria's Secret 'Angel' - Will you be repulsed by my body? Will I be good enough? I may have the strut of a woman who ruled the world, but there is a nagging voice in my head that the excess on my body will cause you to 'X' me from your life. I'm old-fashioned, I need to know that you love me before I take the next step - hearing those three words simply won't do it. I know it's easier to find meaningless, nameless sex today, but I have a lot of pride and I need you to respect me.

We live in confusing times; technology hasn't made it any easier to fall in love and remain that way. You may think it's trivial, but I will ALWAYS interpret your WhatsApp display picture and status, I will wonder why you don't have a picture of us on your Facebook profile picture and if we are ready to announce to the world at large by updating our relationship. You see, I've been single throughout the whole 'selfie' thing and I wouldn't know the protocol revolving this, but do tell me your thoughts on this.

When we have established ourselves in this relationship, you will continually see different sides to me. I will be like Ariel, the Little Mermaid, singing all day long and talking to inanimate objects and turn into Medusa in seconds. You will think that as my Boyfriend you suffer my tempest, I'm not denying that. I only reveal my true colours or behave despicably when I know that I am with the one who loves me the most.

With this, I conclude my letter to you, my Boyfriend in the future. I hope you're ready for the time of your life!

All My Love,
M

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Some of the best relationships happen when we least expect it - anticipated or not, it's good to have a manual that will guide our Boyfriends in the right direction. Why waste time getting to know me and then decide you don't want me - here's a manual, a letter to you, my future boyfriend.

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