Last week a girlfriend mentioned how ‘ageing’ is a thing now. I completely dismissed this until I realized that my competition is a 17-year-old girl who don’t even shape her eyebrows. As I hit the grand three-oh next year, I may have to budget for ‘colouring of hair’ under monthly expenses.
Ageing happens very differently for both sexes – you should know this by now. You know it has happened when you stalk your ex from seven years ago and say a silent prayer of thanks that you didn't end up with him as you count how many strands of hair he has remaining; it's definitely passed your way when you notice one too many lines around your eyes in the selfie you took last week. For some, not a single f**k is given as age takes over, some fear it so much so they maximize their monthly data plan in three days scouring YouTube videos on home remedies for wrinkles. Both sexes respond to ageing differently, with age some gain wisdom, some lose whatever little they had; some transition with an expansions of wardrobes while the other do away and endorse minimalism.
My friend suggested that Ms. Confidential should give this a spin; I gladly accepted the challenge! You ready?
Let’s start with the most obvious –
01 - Grey Matters:When a woman ages, greying hair is despicable. Also in time, a woman’s cellulite is more visible making it look as if though she sat on a world map created in Braille, all blotched and dimply. However, our counterparts have it easy. A classic example of this is George Clooney; his greys are perceived as distinguished and aristocratic - I’m not one to complain, given how many times he has had me writhing in pleasure thanks to screen shots, but such double standards!
The only lady in Hollywood who has faithfully stuck to her grey is Dame Hellen Mirren; everyone else is either peroxide blond or a chestnut brown at the ripe age of 80!
02 - Saggy Baggy:I had a male colleague who was conscious of his moobs (male + boobs) and dreamed of toning his forty-something-year-old pecks to those similar to construction bricks. My office is situated overlooking a poolside and one time too many I had minor angina attacks when I saw a set of bare breasts exposed to the sun, only to realize the owner of these were male, they sure could have fooled even a vintaged porno-addict.
Oh, and we’re not supposed to mention that their balls hang too close to their knees instead of their groins because that’s considered insensitive and indelicate, and holding two used tea bags and saying 'Reminds you of anything?' can send a man to tears. (Insert: Raised middle finger).
03 - Confidence Shake:You can either have it too hard to very soft – (reminds me so much of the men in our lives amirite, girls?) Have you noticed that over time, a woman’s confidence wanes as they grow older whereas with men it increases exponentially? A walk of shame is far more comforting than a 10m walk from the changing room to the pool.
It just so happened that I knew this ‘softie’ from about ten years ago, and he barely spoke or made eye contact – this is what age does to men; they earn a six figured salary and some of those naughts on their paychecks cushion their confidence.
Also, note that every karaoke bar is dominated by pot-bellied men who think they can sing?
04 – Couch Potato XXL:Sorry, I use XXL all the time after watching the Magic Mike XXL trailer over and over. As women mature they have fewer hours to catch up on television; responsibilities don’t allow that privilege and the highlight of their day is to log in to Facebook once a day for 45 seconds before their offspring request their presence for some mundane activity or other.
05 – Social Media Scanners:To elaborate on the previous point, I rarely notice mature women change their profile pictures or update their Facebook profile pictures and when they do, it’s with pictures of their offspring, flowers or inspirational quotes.
06 – Compliment Hoes:
07 – Dress To Kill:Over time a majority of women acquire proper dress sense; it may be dowdy to some, but overall it’s comfort over style. It’s not the case for men; more and more athletic wear is purchased by older men, and some even revert to neons and bolder shades. Doesn’t look too appetizing when the buttons of a shirt are stretched and tufts of greying chest hair show or when skinny jeans are ill-fitted and butt cracks are in view. You don’t need a visit to the dark tunnel in a horror house, if you’ve seen this, you’ve fulfilled your quota for Halloween scary movies for 7 years!
08 – Tech Savvy Harry:
09 – Putting the Hip in Hop:When a forty year old man tells me he knows who Avicii is, I swear my ovaries shrivel up and ask my intestines to digest it. Women on the other hand will never know anything beyond Jason Donovan (Of 'Sealed with a Kiss' fame), New Kids on the Block, Vanilla Ice, and there is something strangely comforting about this fact.
10 – Lingo:
Age and I have a love-hate relationship; when I was younger I would always use every opportunity to increase my age by one year because I am born at the end of the year, 14 always sounded sexier than 13; and 17 sounded far more mature than simple 16. Now, I latch on to the last hour of the year before until the dawn of my birthday.
On a positive note, I have mastered the art of concealing emerging greys with bobby pins and I watch too many tutorials on how to reduce crow’s feet effect and I have a taking to too much tea.
I can’t do much with age, except accept the inevitable overthrow of the gravity on the peaks of my body – I breathe as I say this motto out loud ‘I will age gracefully’. As for men, let’s hope the show continues, after all, what point is there in a circus without the animals to perform tricks?