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Why Men Don't Want Commitment

Last Saturday a close friend and colleague told me that he now knew what it was like to ‘bang’ Jennifer Lopez. It was during lunch; I considered it an educated move to swallow the contents in my mouth before it landed on his face as the conversation progressed. The single word “How?” escaped me with the greatest difficulty as he explained that he met a willing and promiscuous lady at a casino the night before and had taken this rather voluptuous creature to bed where the “kachings” continued all night long.

Again, at the end of the conversation I managed to ask him “How?” and he asked “How what?” – I cleared his confusion by asking him how he managed to persuade her to go home with him so easily, and he just shrugged as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Two days later as I write this my mind is still reeling from the shock. I’m no saint and my divinity is far-fetched, but you expect for this home girl to hold back and play hard to get for the Team! And here I am, pondering my plight, contemplating what I am doing wrong to be single for two years and wonder why no man can commit to the promise of replying my text messages let alone commit to a relationship.

I demand to be taken out on proper dates before I kiss him, I expect to be told that he loves me before I engage in anything that involves the removal or raising of my skirt – and then there are those who give in so easily; these aren’t ordinary girls either, they are beautiful, poised and have the perfect hips to breast ratio.

I thought there could be a few other reasons why fewer men are willing to commit themselves into a proper meaningful relationship. As sad as they may appear, I sincerely hope that I am not the only one who has these strange thoughts in her head:

Reason 01 – ‘RIP Romance’:
You will be missed.
By this I mean that romance has died a natural death; no one is to be blamed – it’s just died and a few pro-romantics like me cannot resurrect it despite our earnest. The epitaph on its tombstone will read, “Made the world go around until the introduction of the Smart Phone”.

Men do not remember the satisfaction derived from seeing the stars light up in a girl’s eyes at the end of a night of endless thoughtful gestures (not to be mistaken with groping). They have forgotten what it is like to compose a full sentence that consists of “When will you be free for dinner? I would like to take you out on a date”. Women have never been closer to fast food in this day and age where ‘buns’, ‘breast’, and ‘thighs’ are all the rage. I want to respond to ‘Dat hoe has a sick rack’ with ‘You want a great rack, you shop at IKEA and build yourself one. You do not refer to any part of the female anatomy as “rack! Can I have an ‘Amen’?

Reason 02 – ‘The Great Female Smorgasbord’:
This is the reason why buffet dining experiences are popular in this part of the world – try a little bit of everything! Don’t limit yourself to one – go ahead clog your arteries with every imaginable type of meat you can feast on. Somehow men forgot that this experience was to be limited to their appetite for food and not the cravings of their loins.

Walk into any club and you encounter a vivid array of females – the ‘Cute and Curious’ who have just turned 18 but are willing to try anything; the ‘The Trashy Twenties’ is when they have no idea how they stand straight after an interesting mix of alcohol and drugs and gyrate into anyone willing to hold them up; ‘The Thirty & Threatened’ are more obtrude and easily spotted awkwardly adjusting their g-string cutting into them in their microscopic garments that fit a person two sizes less imitating the younger generation’s dance moves. Do you know what men see when they see this? Just a better selection of females for the next few hours when they decide which ones to start with, which ones to dance with and which ones they’ll be relieving their alcohol induced boner within the confines of their car.

Reason 03: ‘The Easy Ethel’:
As the name suggests, these are the girls who give it very easily. It is really not our problem what they do with their ‘business’ (ahem) but it leaves us, the lesser endowed with nothing to compete with. If the men out there are freely given a slice of the pudding, naturally the pudding with a price is just going to expire with no one purchasing it. (Note to self – let’s work on that tombstone already)


Reason 04: ‘Barbie World'

The other day I was joking with my BFF about how we subscribe to popular pages on Instagram where they showcase prime specimen of male beings and we constantly tag each other with captions like ‘Dessert?’ However, reality dawns on us and we know that the likes of Nick Bateman will never know of our existence as we pop each other's bubbles.
This popping doesn’t happen with boys who want it all. The looks are at the top of the pyramid, Kylie Jenner-esque lips, Megan Fox features, Barbie doll proportions. Where does that leave us 5’3” inched women with none of the said assets who cannot afford plastic surgery? Even Bruce Jenner / Caitlyn Jenner has a date!

Reason 5: ‘Predator on the Prowl’

Just like how sharks rely on instincts that alert them when their prey is a few miles away and how snakes use their heat wave maps to target theirs, some men have honed their skills to understand the desperate Donnas who believe when they are told ‘I love you’ within 25 minutes of meeting them. Gone are the days where men had to pretend to commit to getting their ‘prey’ to part (literally); they have developed skills to identify the weakest link in the group and pounce. The said victim could be vulnerable with esteem issues hating how her size compares with her peers, she could be recovering from a devastating break up or could be lonely in general and this type of predators know exactly what to say to make them believe that they have found ‘The One’. [Enter: Heavenly orchestra playing in the background]

Along with these reasons, men replace the warmth of having a girl’s head rest of his shoulder with a strappy gadget that holds his iPhone to his shoulder; they find a substitute for the feeling of being able to comfort a girl who loves him when she needs him the most; they have lost the heroism to just be there for his lady, to be her knight in shining armour. Some just don’t want it. The thrill of seeing his girl all dressed up for their first date is lost, he doesn't care to have his heartbeat race when he parks out her gate and checks his hair in the rearview mirror. For some, commitment is a jail sentence; for some it’s the end of the chase and the ushering of boredom.

In a time where a girl is referred to as a ‘hoe’ or as ‘bitch’ – some of us must learn to adapt and lower our expectations. As for me, I’ve convinced myself that to romance and commitment I will remain true.


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