To understand these experiences listed below are to accept the power of advertising. Deceptive? Perhaps so; it is when there is a little too much fluff, permissible exaggeration, or white lies. Expectations have almost a vile way of turning against us, and I have decided to list down certain ‘disappointments’ that have been the end result of high hopes and fantasies.
Before I begin, I would like to provide a disclaimer that not ALL the incidents mentioned in ‘The Big Fat Nothing’ have necessarily happened to me
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1.) Hide and Seek Sausages:
Driving over to the eatery with a dreamy look on your face, you imagine biting into this sinful pastry with its lingering aroma of trans-fats that clog your arteries. You park, you walk over, those teasing buns almost flirting with you; the goods are purchased. It is almost too good – you give the buns a good squeeze before you get back in your car. You have definitely passed that level of familiarity, given all that lusting.
“Come hither” you say out loud as you remove the wrapper only to find a sausage that is the size of three strands of thread staring back at you. "What the frig is this?" and you tear the dough apart to see that the sausage disappears further into the bun and only emerges from the other end. This has got to be one of the most disappointing instances imaginable to mankind – do you agree?
Sure, it cost me under US$ 25, but it was most disappointing because I spent 4 – 6 weeks of my life while the free shipping was taking place imagining pairing this tangerine bag with my wardrobe.
I am also aware that most people advocate against online purchases, but as a regular online shopper I have never been disappointed as much as this. I lost hope in all digital vendors and I was sure to black mark this Chinese supplier and inform the world at large of his/her misdemeanor.
3.) Dysfunctional Dee:
It is almost like having a Bentley with a toy steering wheel – shockingly disappointing, completely unanticipated and a waste of a fine exterior.
4.) The Big Umbrella:
Here is an ax. Use it on yourself.
6.) King Konica:
One must at least warn his partner of impending explosions of flatulence especially after seafood night, right?
8.) Sergeant Sanitary:
9.) Cannot Canine:
10.) When you think you’ve found the perfect man:
He made Melanie believe that there could be something more than back-seat romancing. He wanted to do things that Melanie wanted but admitted only to her soul only. Six weeks later, when she was sure that he was closer to ‘The One’ than Zac Effron had ever been, he tells her that he is not ready for commitment and that he would limit all communication with her because it could lead to regrettable instances. This was for her to ‘restore faith in men’. #Bitch
11.) Snow White:
You may be saying that he probably could not launder his clothes and hence resorted to ‘snow whites’ – and I am going to say this out loud, if ALL you are left with are white socks, you call in sick. You do not appear in public, least of all in your place of work in those despicable things. #Disappointment
12.) Bad Legs:
13.) Squeaky – Mickey:
It was almost like the universe slapped me and told me to bite myself when he spoke his first words. The effect was like being 5 years old and dragging white chalk on a blackboard in school. Buffed, aesthetically pleasing, but horrifically high pitched, it was almost like talking to Mickey Mouse. You could not possibly take him out and introduce him to a friend and have him respond like he has inhaled helium, can you? A double no.
14.) Poopee Coffee:
Nothing could be more disappointing than having to pay close upon US$ 10 on a cup of coffee in some fancy restaurant that is plain acrid that it almost freezes your face in a permanent look of pain. Not only does it smell of tar, its constituents leave your breath smelling of monkey excrement.
15.) The Great Balance:
It was a call-in request show and I would aggressively call in even if it meant having my telephone busy for 45 minutes, just so that I could speak to him. I would stumble on my words and somehow tell him whom the dedication was made to. After a few weeks, he recognized me and knew me (probably as one of the many school girls who crushed on him), he was very polite even during the awkward ten-second silence.
When he gained popularity, a local tabloid featured him, and boy was I disappointed. He looked nothing like I had imagined. Gone were all those dreams of me regaling to the audience at my wedding of how we fell in love. Gone, gone, gone!
It was then that I understood the mystery of Divine Creation – you cannot have it all. If you have the voice, you shall be deprived of Pierce Brosnan-esque features; if you are deprived of a few inches in height, it shall be made up for in other places; if you are much too good looking, you shall not be made the CEO; if you do not look like Channing Tatum, not to fear – your motor will make every girl scream. This is how things are ‘balanced’ in life. As for the RP, I never phoned back and later I switched radio stations, such was the magnitude of my disappointment.
16. I Got No Vibes:
So, there you have it – 16 instances when life has let us down in a big way! Have I got all the points down?
Sometimes I wonder why such things happen to me – but if not for the ‘big fat nothings’ I doubt I will appreciate the real deal, when and if it comes my way.
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