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The Big Fat Nothing!

'Disappointment’ is buying a full bag of movie snacks only to find that 80% of its contents are air; it is the discovery that investing in luxurious brands of hair care does not give you luscious locks as promised. It is also to sadly accept that one cannot have a threesome with Channing Tatum and Zayn Malik.
To understand these experiences listed below are to accept the power of advertising. Deceptive? Perhaps so; it is when there is a little too much fluff, permissible exaggeration, or white lies. Expectations have almost a vile way of turning against us, and I have decided to list down certain ‘disappointments’ that have been the end result of high hopes and fantasies.
Before I begin, I would like to provide a disclaimer that not ALL the incidents mentioned in The Big Fat Nothing’ have necessarily happened to me To retain the anonymity of the sharers I shall be using aliases and twist the context as I see fit. I asked on Facebook if I should list these ‘disappointments’ and I had your thumbs-up!

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1.) Hide and Seek Sausages:
It is 9.00 am on a Saturday morning; to make matters worse you also have to work that day. All you can think of is a greasy breakfast to start the day and wash off with coffee – then it hits you like thunder! You know exactly what you will have as the ultimate cheat-meal: A Sausage Bun (And for those who know me well, no puns intended!).
Driving over to the eatery with a dreamy look on your face, you imagine biting into this sinful pastry with its lingering aroma of trans-fats that clog your arteries. You park, you walk over, those teasing buns almost flirting with you; the goods are purchased. It is almost too good – you give the buns a good squeeze before you get back in your car. You have definitely passed that level of familiarity, given all that lusting.
“Come hither” you say out loud as you remove the wrapper only to find a sausage that is the size of three strands of thread staring back at you. "What the frig is this?" and you tear the dough apart to see that the sausage disappears further into the bun and only emerges from the other end. This has got to be one of the most disappointing instances imaginable to mankind – do you agree?
2.) e-Boo:
You know when you have a little extra cash during the third week of the month, and you decide to ‘reward’ yourself by taking a quick a look on e-Bay; you see this one bag in tangerine and you decide that you need to gift this to yourself… because that is what real women do (note the delay in conjuring the reason for that). The bag arrives – it is everything it claimed to be online except for one minor detail that I am sure the supplier genuinely forgot: a zip!
Sure, it cost me under US$ 25, but it was most disappointing because I spent 4 – 6 weeks of my life while the free shipping was taking place imagining pairing this tangerine bag with my wardrobe.
I am also aware that most people advocate against online purchases, but as a regular online shopper I have never been disappointed as much as this. I lost hope in all digital vendors and I was sure to black mark this Chinese supplier and inform the world at large of his/her misdemeanor.
3.) Dysfunctional Dee:
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This is a case of sleeping with an athletic type whom you imagine will rock your valley for 3 euphoric hours. You even go through the trouble of investing in turquoise laced lingerie. You tell your friends that you are about to be preyed on – but, you could have brought your nail file to for a manicure while he tries to bring life to his 'anaconda' with vigorous movements. You feel nothing but pity as you quietly reach for your undergarments at the end of an early night.
It is almost like having a Bentley with a toy steering wheel – shockingly disappointing, completely unanticipated and a waste of a fine exterior.

4.) The Big Umbrella:
When he says that the condom is too big:
Here is an ax. Use it on yourself.

5.) Sloshie:
When you stalk him on Facebook before a date and discover his profile picture is one of him holding a drink in a drunken haze.

6.) King Konica:
When you stalk his Instagram to find more than three selfies taken within a span of 52 weeks.

7.) Comfort-zoned:
I know that with the passage of time couples get into a comfort zone when all bodily functions take place with free will. But, isn't it disappointing when he does not mind his manners around you after only the fifth week?
One must at least warn his partner of impending explosions of flatulence especially after seafood night, right?
8.) Sergeant Sanitary:
He cancels plans for dinner when you tell him that you are on your period. #A*swipe

9.) Cannot Canine:
Andrew had the perfect pecks, abs, and thighs. He even has a fancy car and a fancier designation. Educated in one of Colombo’s leading privatized all – male institutions, he was on many a ‘wish list’. With shoulders wide; his peenie so fine, but the once the words “I hate dogs” were emitted from his mouth, you only tasted bile rising in the back of your throat.

10.) When you think you’ve found the perfect man:
Dick-wad Gareth proved himself to be ‘unicorn’ material to Melanie, who was hoping that this would be her last stop before walking down the aisle.
He made Melanie believe that there could be something more than back-seat romancing. He wanted to do things that Melanie wanted but admitted only to her soul only. Six weeks later, when she was sure that he was closer to ‘The One’ than Zac Effron had ever been, he tells her that he is not ready for commitment and that he would limit all communication with her because it could lead to regrettable instances. This was for her to ‘restore faith in men’. #Bitch
11.) Snow White:
I may be stepping on toes here, but is there anything more disappointing than seeing a man wearing white socks with official attire? He matches his belt with his non-ostentatious shoes, a decent tie is neatly in place, hair sporting a style only a few months old and then he has to ruin it all wearing white bloody socks.
You may be saying that he probably could not launder his clothes and hence resorted to ‘snow whites’ – and I am going to say this out loud, if ALL you are left with are white socks, you call in sick. You do not appear in public, least of all in your place of work in those despicable things. #Disappointment
12.) Bad Legs:
Oh, the woe of a disproportionate man. Big and buffed on the top, and has legs of a 5-year-old girl. This is why there is a designated day for legs – use it!

13.) Squeaky – Mickey:
These are the boys in the gym who have bodies like Thor whom you have been crushing over for weeks, but as you do not have the courage to say ‘hello' you just imagine what they must be like. You fantasize about him offering you juice (fruit, not his) after an intense workout, or helping you up when you graciously trip over and land on your fanny in the sexiest possible way.
It was almost like the universe slapped me and told me to bite myself when he spoke his first words. The effect was like being 5 years old and dragging white chalk on a blackboard in school. Buffed, aesthetically pleasing, but horrifically high pitched, it was almost like talking to Mickey Mouse. You could not possibly take him out and introduce him to a friend and have him respond like he has inhaled helium, can you? A double no.
14.) Poopee Coffee:
I drink copious amounts of coffee to get me through the day. Nothing too fancy, just the average cup of Nescafe with three heaps of sugar. I will never admit to being knowledgeable of its origins, its importer, or the ideal temperature of serving the same.
Nothing could be more disappointing than having to pay close upon US$ 10 on a cup of coffee in some fancy restaurant that is plain acrid that it almost freezes your face in a permanent look of pain. Not only does it smell of tar, its constituents leave your breath smelling of monkey excrement.
15.) The Great Balance:
As a ‘troubled’ teenager, my only salvation came in the form of music. As I am a mid-eighties child, my only form of entertainment as a 17-year-old came in the form of good old radio. There was a particular show that I would listen to religiously every day after school because the radio personality (RP) sounded like a mixture of salted caramel, slathered on Nutella; in short, like an angel. I expected the clouds to part and other divine beings to sail the sky playing harps when he opened his mouth.
It was a call-in request show and I would aggressively call in even if it meant having my telephone busy for 45 minutes, just so that I could speak to him. I would stumble on my words and somehow tell him whom the dedication was made to. After a few weeks, he recognized me and knew me (probably as one of the many school girls who crushed on him), he was very polite even during the awkward ten-second silence.
When he gained popularity, a local tabloid featured him, and boy was I disappointed. He looked nothing like I had imagined. Gone were all those dreams of me regaling to the audience at my wedding of how we fell in love. Gone, gone, gone!
It was then that I understood the mystery of Divine Creation – you cannot have it all. If you have the voice, you shall be deprived of Pierce Brosnan-esque features; if you are deprived of a few inches in height, it shall be made up for in other places; if you are much too good looking, you shall not be made the CEO; if you do not look like Channing Tatum, not to fear – your motor will make every girl scream. This is how things are ‘balanced’ in life. As for the RP, I never phoned back and later I switched radio stations, such was the magnitude of my disappointment.
16. I Got No Vibes:
No words could possibly explain the angst, frustration and disappointment when your vibrator’s batteries die after round three and they are not even the rechargeable type!
So, there you have it – 16 instances when life has let us down in a big way! Have I got all the points down?
Sometimes I wonder why such things happen to me – but if not for the ‘big fat nothings’ I doubt I will appreciate the real deal, when and if it comes my way.
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