I sigh heavily as I realize that 2016 – a brand new year is only a matter of hours away. I was thinking of 01 January 2015, walking into work and enjoying the seamless supply of ‘kiribath’ and thinking I had 364 days to make dreams come true, and now, the turn of the next year is literally hours away.
Even at the close of what was a great year for me, I must warn you of atrocities 2016 will hold for you, especially of you are on the Isle of Single-Leydhees like me. Take heed, these could save your life, physically and more importantly, digitally.
More Marital Moo-Moos:
On my page recently I published that I was growing more enthusiastic about the lack of wedding pictures. I thought the deliberate ‘liking’ on Facebook could take a break after the honeymoon shots. Nope. So, brace yourself for the post-coital selfies, just-f**ked-and-now-taking-a-walk on the beach holiday albums, baby showers, arrival of progeny in the delivery room, and documenting every five seconds of the latter’s bowel movements.
The Wedding - Take Two:
Undoubtedly this will be most trying for residents of Villa Single, when realization hits them that there are some who are on Husband Number 02 and you can’t even get the boy you like to ask your number.
It happens in 2016 as well, much to my dismay. Take a deep breath as you take in those morbid, seedy, grainy, pictures of those who display ‘What Poochie Pooh Got Me’ (Includes jewellery taken at close range to exaggerate magnitude of rock) .or the ones who really want to rub it in will have the whole works, flowers, dinner pictures, dress worn, A La Whole-sale thanks to PhotoGrid®. Might help to check less of your social media feed from 31 January until 18 February.
As if to make matters worse, the Prissy Princess types who don’t have to work to earn a living thanks to Daddy (biological and sugar), drives a Mercedes SLK convertible, questionable socialite, and owner of many designer labels, will now post a steady stream pictures of themselves, glammed post-salon on their way to function. Oh, also look out for captions quoting completely unrelated subjects too!
#HashtagNameofStylist is a thing, evidently created in 2015.
The Ranty Aunty:
This type will make you hate being on social media for reasons such as ranting about everything – from the obscene traffic in Colombo, to the exhausting services rendered by Dialog, the long queue at Arpico Supercentre (I saw this post, I promise). I mean, we have bigger problems – like the quest to find this magical tummy reducing citric recipe.
Proposal Profile Problems:
The proposals you receive now are from balding bankers on the brink of retirement. Apparently, this is all that’s left over. #Breadcrumbs
Con the Question:
It’s no longer the question of ‘Are you single?’ – the question we ought to fear now is, ‘What made you this way?’ Please prepare an answer for this to the best of your ability. These bitches smell fear.
Ho! Ho! Hobbies!:
Do you have a hobby? Or, is it redundant to use that term anymore? This is a situation many single girls will encounter, IRL. I suppose having a healthy distraction is good for you health. Not Coco Veranda’s ‘Death By Chocolate’ cake! I said healthy!
Net of Hades:
The internet is a sad place where many souls go to die. To think that popping a pimple and watching its mucusy volcano erupting can go viral makes me question every wanting to bring children into this world.
Please be ready for this. There’s much more to expect in 2016.
The Kodak Klowns:
I had to screen-shot an Instagram picture of a male friend who, had a collage made of pictures of him sucking his girlfriend’s face. From different angles. In many kissing motions. Entwined. So many questions went on in my head. Why do I even have him as a friend? What was he thinking posting this? What is wrong with him? Why has he got fat? How is he multi-tasking?
This is a dangerous road, but you have survived thus far! I promise you that things can only get better (Sorry, I am lying). Just stock up on a few extra anti-nausea pills, that should help.
Here are ten misdemeanors you are most likely to encounter – do you have anymore? Do share them in the comments section below, and don’t forget to look out for Ms. Confidential next Wednesday.
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