Skip to main content

Clues for the Clueless Bloke

I woke up last Saturday afternoon after a nap, sputtering all known curse words with a burning desire to cut my pillows, bite my glass tumbler, and set fire to my lingerie. 
No, this was not the power cut’s doing. I have a crush on someone. 

Honestly, this tingly happy feeling only annoys me. Involuntarily smiling when something reminded me of him only made me want to drag my fingernails across a concrete wall; surveying his hands to note that he had relatively longer fingers only made me wonder about dimensions and proportions.
However, this crush that I refer to as ‘March 16’ came to a sad halt and is now dead to me. Turns out he couldn’t bother beyond a brusque ‘Hello’ with me, however, spend oodles of time talking to Ms. Gold Medal Supernova and trying to impress her. I wanted to tell him that slovenly b*tch already has a man, but being the centre of peace, I walked on burying him deeper in my mind’s soil.
My friend played devil’s advocate and countered me with ‘How would he know you like him? Have you even said anything to him?’ I held my heart as I cried out luridly, ‘F*ck, no’ – she rolls her eyes in that ‘why do I even bother with her’ way. 
I may have given out a few signs – I stare at him and swear less around him. In fact, I walk around with one bent wrist for good measure. Today, I wondered if I gave him mixed messages; did I talk too much or too little? Should I have messaged him? Should I have liked his vacation posts on Facebook? Did my resting bitch face make him want to avoid me like a man avoiding manscaping? Or, simply was he clueless about how to handle the situation. That had to be it.

Thus, the need to provide guidance to these na├»ve and clueless blokes stirred in my heart – for my benefit mainly. 

1. Just because all my posts and blog updates are pro-feminist, that does NOT mean that I have the bravado to ask a man out. Ever. (Rubbing my arms to calm my gooseflesh) I may appear to be Margaret Thatcher with compelling posts like ‘Do not need d*ck’ but Darling, in terrains concerning love and alike, I am simply Dora the Explorer. 

2. Adding me as a ‘Friend' on Facebook does not top the insurmountable happiness I feel when you ask me for my number and
ensure I have yours. Also, chatting with me in a WhatsApp group does not count as a conversation.

3. If you’re gay, please tell me that I am barking up the wrong tree. In this age of confusing undercut-side-swept-hairdos, a heterosexual woman is easily confused. 

4. Staring at me or avoiding me will reap the same consequences for you. If you are trying to get my attention, don’t talk to others to ‘make me work for it’, because I will only want to work on a voodoo doll of you and stick a thousand needles in your groin. 

5. Dressing well will work to your advantage. Not wearing the same tee-shirt will do wonders. 

6. If you want me to ‘get the message’, you’re going to have to try harder than ‘Yo, dude’. ‘Hi, <insert my name>’ will suffice. 

7. Deodorant. Do. 

8. I will be delighted to converse beyond (a.) Work (b.) Sleep (c.) Traffic in Colombo; I promise you that if you only attempt to go beyond these borders, I will champion you through. 

9. Effing call me on my birthday. Now, you may be confused – you see, mobile phones were first invented to ‘talk’ (literally) to people, NOT to be your source of music, ‘entertainment’ (ahem), alarm, your diary etc. So, if it’s my birthday, for the sake of humanity, please do not post ‘HBD! Hope u hv a gr8 dy’ on my timeline. 

There you go! Nine clues to help you get lucky! Simple basic facts that can help you no matter your age, geography, social status is. I have been writing this update for about an hour and the fact that there is a need to compile this makes me think that we are closer to the pre-historic cavemen era than ever. 
What do you think? Have I missed anything? What are your experiences like? Feel like you just had this chat with your BFF – go ahead and hit the ‘share’ button. As always, feel free to let me know your thoughts on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on! Enjoy the last few days of March 2016. 

[All images are courtesy of Google]


Read More Here

Relationship Advice from Sri Lankan Aunties

Of Unicorns, Disney Boyfriends, and Glass Slippers

Have fairly tales influenced our decisions? Are the happy endings we read about cause for our constant disappointment?

As I am 27, many many wonderful people take the liberty of reminding me that I am no longer in my ‘blossoming youth’ - I tell them often enough that if they approach these grounds without bodily provision, I will make parts of their anatomies blossom. I am just kidding, I do not say a word, I simply cower away with the most hackneyed excuse of all time ‘I am waiting for my Prince Charming’. To this, I always get the same answer saying that I watch too many sappy movies, read too many Mills & Boons (yes, in secret till I was 20) and watched too many Disney cartoons and I have UNREAL expectations. Can you believe the audacity these people possess?

When I think about this now, I think boys have been influenced by fairy tales far more than girls. Why? If you do think about it, their behaviour, perspectives, and assumptions are rooted in those magical books courtesy o…

Types of Sri Lankan Boyfriends

If you're a Sri Lankan girl under the age of 18, mentioning the ‘B' word will have your parents cartwheeling, calling the best witch doctor in Anuradhapura saying that you're possessed, because, after all, no Sri Lankan female under 30 was allowed to find love on her own accord.
For your Parents, every boy is trying to break open your treasure chest (if you know what I mean) – they are rabid pariahs, almost like anthrax. For every young girl educated in an all-female school until the budding age of 19, they’re lissome creatures, must-haves in every way.
It may not be very evident at first, but Sri Lankan Boyfriends are of several ‘genres’, if you may. Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious types!

1.) Moose:

This is the one who seems to have opinions of humanitarian, thoughts of a poet and a personality of a stone. Scrolling through his news feed, you will find so many interesting posts, quips, and comments, but IRL, he is just like Moose from Archie comics… ‘Duh… that&…

Ways Sri Lankan Girlfriends Drive you Nuts

Sri Lankan girlfriends are the ultimate ‘lunu dehi’ – they're hard to eat and need to be taken in smaller doses with a lot of other things to cut the acidity. The good kind is harder to get a hold of, but you know how amazing your plate of rice tastes with it. The same applies to Sri Lankan girlfriends. This week we pay homage to Sri Lankan girlfriends who seem to master the art of driving their boyfriends loco with carefully concocted ploys like the ones below.
1.)Menu Options Let’s start with my personal favourite. When he texts, “Babe, what do you want to eat?” when he is coming over or is grabbing a takeaway meal, the Sri Lankan girlfriends knows *exactly* what she wants. Whether it is Tipi Tip, Red Velvet Cake, or a 12-pack KFC Hot Drumlets, she knows, but she will wait until her SO tears his hair running out of options. Patiently waiting, tapping her nails, until he consults Yamu and Zomato for all the restaurants in town.
2.)Part Time Bouncer While on the subject of food, on a …

Does Size Matter?

My first question to a close friend after she declares she's just engaged in vigorous copulation is not 'How good was it?' or 'How long did it last?' - It’s ‘How BIG is it?’ I use my hands as means of measurement. Anything from elbow to wrist is a ‘unicorn’ – midway there and I smile my seal of approval. If I have to use my fingers, then it’s a different story altogether.

In strange way, there seems to be a positive correlation between the size of a man's penis and a woman’s satisfaction in bed. Think about it. Women, from the very beginning, have been 'gatherers', which ideally means they sow, reap and they secure provisions for their family. In a contemporary scenario, women are independent and we only expect men to provide the things and feels a dildo cannot. Women are financially independent, confident, career-minded individuals who buy their own Prada bags, drive a swanky number, and book their own vacation air tickets online. As gatherers who presi…