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Guide to Douchebags!



This evening while at Dilmah Tea Lounge with a friend I admitted that I may be missing being in a relationship – I said maybe. I was telling her that when you've spent three years of your life being single AF, you tend not to want anyone permanently. She agreed with me.

We had a profound ‘Aha!’ moment when she said, “It’s safer being single nowadays; douche bags have evolved and are harder to spot”. Have you had the same thought? Aren’t men harder to understand?

Think about it. Have you met someone who seemed nice, you promise yourself not to get emotionally attached, and feel like you've been dealt by Hurricane Katrina once he is done with you? All the while you were with him, he seemed amazing. Like boys from Tumblr. When he is gone, you swear that you couldn’t have seen that coming.

I had a few laughs compiling the list of douchebags I have encountered or heard of. Here's my list!

1. Sergeant Obvs.:
Let’s start with the easy one first – Sergeant Obvs., is the guy who had a steady girlfriend, has a profile picture on Facebook with her and constantly tags his significant other in pictures on social media with cutesy memes.
However, he is also the first to chat-up women and get their numbers, and is mostly likely to have ‘quick catch-up’ in the back of his sedan.
Oh, and you’re mostly likely to receive the midnight bootie-text from this type. These and a few other reasons are why he is on the top of Douche Bag Chain.

2. Fraternal Frittatas:
He starts off by being very platonic, almost fraternal - except he wants your undivided attention - all day, every day. He is a jerk-off because, after three months of spending every
waking minute texting him, having dinner, being introduced to his friends, you still don't know if you're a thing. He doesn't make his intentions clear nor does he like you spending time with anyone else.
His common address to you is ‘Dude', but you notice that he does make an effort in dressing up when he meets you, but he hasn't touched you beyond your wrist.
This type is very rare, but once hit the victim usually spends many a night deliberating whether they should confront him about this situation.

3. Sugar Daddy:
El Creepo with a lot of money is what he is – usually manipulates your emotions with materialism. He won't be there when you have a breakdown, he won't be there to talk to when you're boss bazookas your head off, but he’s only there when he wants ‘recreation’.
When you tell him this he says, ‘But Baby…’ and a Louis Vuitton bag magically appears and gone are your woes temporarily. 


4. Juggler:
He could be a circus juggler for all you know. He appears to be a normal boy, the kind where you see yourself going places UNTIL you receive a text that makes no sense; you ignore it the first time and the second when it dawns on you that those messages were not meant for you.
He juggles between WhatsApp conversations until he accidentally types in the wrong conversation. You also note that he is ‘online’ hours after he said he was switching off early.

5. Mr. Rightly-Wrong:
This type is the most confusing, to say the least.
He is perfect. Like with a Sepia filter perfect. Until over a period of two weeks, he proves his asinine genealogy. You don’t even know how or what happened, it’s almost like he is a schizophrenic.

6. KFC:
He wants to do things right from the very beginning. He introduced you to his friends in two weeks and gets their seal of approval. He charms your friends. He does do the flowers and date night run until he chickens out and says that he is ‘not ready for anything stable’.
You think, ‘B*tch, you wanted this’.

7. On & Off:
This was a personal encounter I had a while ago – he says all the right
things, he even knows how to kiss, and uses the ‘L' word. He messages you for 19 hours and goes missing for 36 hours. When he returns, it's all hearts and romance. This cycle continues. Unfortunately, the middle finger emoji on WhatsApp wasn’t around to sum up my feelings in one simple gesture.

I am shaking my head – how have they evolved into different species making them harder to decipher? Guarding our hearts and emotions have become harder, this just means we need to filter these men even more. Does this remind you of someone whom you discussed with your BFF? Go ahead and hit the 'share' button and have them see that you're not the only one with Douche-Bag-itis.

Have I missed out on anyone else? Got another kind in mind? Let me know in the comments section below, or follow Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Twitter, or Google+ or look out for similar reads on msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com

[All images are courtesy of Google]

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