Skip to main content

Guide to Douchebags!

This evening while at Dilmah Tea Lounge with a friend I admitted that I may be missing being in a relationship – I said maybe. I was telling her that when you've spent three years of your life being single AF, you tend not to want anyone permanently. She agreed with me.

We had a profound ‘Aha!’ moment when she said, “It’s safer being single nowadays; douche bags have evolved and are harder to spot”. Have you had the same thought? Aren’t men harder to understand?

Think about it. Have you met someone who seemed nice, you promise yourself not to get emotionally attached, and feel like you've been dealt by Hurricane Katrina once he is done with you? All the while you were with him, he seemed amazing. Like boys from Tumblr. When he is gone, you swear that you couldn’t have seen that coming.

I had a few laughs compiling the list of douchebags I have encountered or heard of. Here's my list!

1. Sergeant Obvs.:
Let’s start with the easy one first – Sergeant Obvs., is the guy who had a steady girlfriend, has a profile picture on Facebook with her and constantly tags his significant other in pictures on social media with cutesy memes.
However, he is also the first to chat-up women and get their numbers, and is mostly likely to have ‘quick catch-up’ in the back of his sedan.
Oh, and you’re mostly likely to receive the midnight bootie-text from this type. These and a few other reasons are why he is on the top of Douche Bag Chain.

2. Fraternal Frittatas:
He starts off by being very platonic, almost fraternal - except he wants your undivided attention - all day, every day. He is a jerk-off because, after three months of spending every
waking minute texting him, having dinner, being introduced to his friends, you still don't know if you're a thing. He doesn't make his intentions clear nor does he like you spending time with anyone else.
His common address to you is ‘Dude', but you notice that he does make an effort in dressing up when he meets you, but he hasn't touched you beyond your wrist.
This type is very rare, but once hit the victim usually spends many a night deliberating whether they should confront him about this situation.

3. Sugar Daddy:
El Creepo with a lot of money is what he is – usually manipulates your emotions with materialism. He won't be there when you have a breakdown, he won't be there to talk to when you're boss bazookas your head off, but he’s only there when he wants ‘recreation’.
When you tell him this he says, ‘But Baby…’ and a Louis Vuitton bag magically appears and gone are your woes temporarily. 

4. Juggler:
He could be a circus juggler for all you know. He appears to be a normal boy, the kind where you see yourself going places UNTIL you receive a text that makes no sense; you ignore it the first time and the second when it dawns on you that those messages were not meant for you.
He juggles between WhatsApp conversations until he accidentally types in the wrong conversation. You also note that he is ‘online’ hours after he said he was switching off early.

5. Mr. Rightly-Wrong:
This type is the most confusing, to say the least.
He is perfect. Like with a Sepia filter perfect. Until over a period of two weeks, he proves his asinine genealogy. You don’t even know how or what happened, it’s almost like he is a schizophrenic.

6. KFC:
He wants to do things right from the very beginning. He introduced you to his friends in two weeks and gets their seal of approval. He charms your friends. He does do the flowers and date night run until he chickens out and says that he is ‘not ready for anything stable’.
You think, ‘B*tch, you wanted this’.

7. On & Off:
This was a personal encounter I had a while ago – he says all the right
things, he even knows how to kiss, and uses the ‘L' word. He messages you for 19 hours and goes missing for 36 hours. When he returns, it's all hearts and romance. This cycle continues. Unfortunately, the middle finger emoji on WhatsApp wasn’t around to sum up my feelings in one simple gesture.

I am shaking my head – how have they evolved into different species making them harder to decipher? Guarding our hearts and emotions have become harder, this just means we need to filter these men even more. Does this remind you of someone whom you discussed with your BFF? Go ahead and hit the 'share' button and have them see that you're not the only one with Douche-Bag-itis.

Have I missed out on anyone else? Got another kind in mind? Let me know in the comments section below, or follow Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Twitter, or Google+ or look out for similar reads on

[All images are courtesy of Google]


Read More Here

Relationship Advice from Sri Lankan Aunties

Of Unicorns, Disney Boyfriends, and Glass Slippers

Have fairly tales influenced our decisions? Are the happy endings we read about cause for our constant disappointment?

As I am 27, many many wonderful people take the liberty of reminding me that I am no longer in my ‘blossoming youth’ - I tell them often enough that if they approach these grounds without bodily provision, I will make parts of their anatomies blossom. I am just kidding, I do not say a word, I simply cower away with the most hackneyed excuse of all time ‘I am waiting for my Prince Charming’. To this, I always get the same answer saying that I watch too many sappy movies, read too many Mills & Boons (yes, in secret till I was 20) and watched too many Disney cartoons and I have UNREAL expectations. Can you believe the audacity these people possess?

When I think about this now, I think boys have been influenced by fairy tales far more than girls. Why? If you do think about it, their behaviour, perspectives, and assumptions are rooted in those magical books courtesy o…

Types of Sri Lankan Boyfriends

If you're a Sri Lankan girl under the age of 18, mentioning the ‘B' word will have your parents cartwheeling, calling the best witch doctor in Anuradhapura saying that you're possessed, because, after all, no Sri Lankan female under 30 was allowed to find love on her own accord.
For your Parents, every boy is trying to break open your treasure chest (if you know what I mean) – they are rabid pariahs, almost like anthrax. For every young girl educated in an all-female school until the budding age of 19, they’re lissome creatures, must-haves in every way.
It may not be very evident at first, but Sri Lankan Boyfriends are of several ‘genres’, if you may. Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious types!

1.) Moose:

This is the one who seems to have opinions of humanitarian, thoughts of a poet and a personality of a stone. Scrolling through his news feed, you will find so many interesting posts, quips, and comments, but IRL, he is just like Moose from Archie comics… ‘Duh… that&…

Ways Sri Lankan Girlfriends Drive you Nuts

Sri Lankan girlfriends are the ultimate ‘lunu dehi’ – they're hard to eat and need to be taken in smaller doses with a lot of other things to cut the acidity. The good kind is harder to get a hold of, but you know how amazing your plate of rice tastes with it. The same applies to Sri Lankan girlfriends. This week we pay homage to Sri Lankan girlfriends who seem to master the art of driving their boyfriends loco with carefully concocted ploys like the ones below.
1.)Menu Options Let’s start with my personal favourite. When he texts, “Babe, what do you want to eat?” when he is coming over or is grabbing a takeaway meal, the Sri Lankan girlfriends knows *exactly* what she wants. Whether it is Tipi Tip, Red Velvet Cake, or a 12-pack KFC Hot Drumlets, she knows, but she will wait until her SO tears his hair running out of options. Patiently waiting, tapping her nails, until he consults Yamu and Zomato for all the restaurants in town.
2.)Part Time Bouncer While on the subject of food, on a …

Does Size Matter?

My first question to a close friend after she declares she's just engaged in vigorous copulation is not 'How good was it?' or 'How long did it last?' - It’s ‘How BIG is it?’ I use my hands as means of measurement. Anything from elbow to wrist is a ‘unicorn’ – midway there and I smile my seal of approval. If I have to use my fingers, then it’s a different story altogether.

In strange way, there seems to be a positive correlation between the size of a man's penis and a woman’s satisfaction in bed. Think about it. Women, from the very beginning, have been 'gatherers', which ideally means they sow, reap and they secure provisions for their family. In a contemporary scenario, women are independent and we only expect men to provide the things and feels a dildo cannot. Women are financially independent, confident, career-minded individuals who buy their own Prada bags, drive a swanky number, and book their own vacation air tickets online. As gatherers who presi…