Having worked in the private sector for almost 12 years, I felt it apt to talk about the men I have encountered over the years. Thus far, I’ve noticed that these guys fall into one category or the other. It’s like they take shelter in a pre-defined mould the minute they walk into the corporate world, and never come out.
Now for those readers who know me and my present place of work, these types don't necessarily apply at present - I just had to get that out of the way.
Every girl runs through scores of the ‘guys at the office' – I've even known one or two who left organizations owing to a troublesome two or three. You can have screaming fits, fall in love, fall out, fall back in, and sometimes entertain thoughts of the elevator door closing with their heads jammed, A La ‘Final Destination’.
Sometimes their behavioural patterns are so predictable and disappointing. Variety is not their portion. Be it their choices in attire, and by attire I mean their poor choices to mix a yellow tie with brown trouser (vomit); their ways of slurping their morning tea, the way they end their abrupt e-mails with ‘best’, the types of guys at work remain common to everyone.
Here we go!
1.) The Dark Horse – This is the most enigmatic of all; you've worked next to him for 5 years but you really don't know anything past his name and designation. All his calls are made in the corridors and his muffled tones don't help with (me) eavesdropping. He isn't eye-candy; hence, there is no real reason to unravel more.
2.) Farmer John – Chances are his name is ‘John', and he is a regular eyesore. The stripes on his shirt, tie, and pants are in different directions, and he can be the only guy who would think that a purple tie with gold dots (large) is an acceptable fashion choice with a pumpkin yellow shirt. He wonders why you stare at him in a meeting with your hand secured on your mouth. In my case, it's to avoid screaming or vomiting.
3.) Donald Trump – Trust him to make the most racist comments of all and not know how offensive it was. It was either that he doesn't know better or didn't care. He is loud, offal, sexist, and openly discusses his predecessors as failures and how it’s his *duty* to wrong the right. He is also known to say, 'This office needs sexy women - look at the skirts we have - nothing no', this is accompanied by a hand gesture to implying 'nothing' with a twisted wrist.
4.) Adonis – Now, these types were scarce in my previous offices, but there’s always the Adonis who looks ultra-sexy in his navy suits, crisp white shirt, and cuff-links. My ‘Office B*tch' ensures she wears her heels, slashes on red lipstick, and ensures she delivers every message in person, rather than communicating via e-mail or by a telephone conversation. So much for #KeepingItClassy
5.) The Grandpa – He has been there since before you exited your Mama’s womb, and will possibly be there longer than his physical body is able to. He cracks jokes about the ‘good ole days’ when women didn’t dominate the managerial positions. He is harmless and often best left alone.
6.) Hiro – Short for Hiroshima; he is destruction personified and is ironically the opposite of ‘hero’. Trust him to ruin office surprise parties by announcing it on Facebook, end up dead drunk to annual parties, and not live up to his side of ‘Secret Santa’.
7.) Leachy Peach – He cannot but help himself and pass lewd remarks about everything female. His thoughts are governed through his penile sector. The Leachy Peach can even make a simple meal of rice disgusting. ‘Ah… you like white stuff, no?’ He would have something to say about your outfit, and may have a conversation while ogling at your chest. You can scold, but this ogle-monger remains unperturbed.
8.) Jousting Timberlake - *Thinks* he can sing. It’s either that you run out of office on a pseudo bathroom break or you just start guffawing out loud! It’s not that he lack talent… he just cannot.
9.) Jaded Johnny – He isn’t a bad guy, it’s just that he’s been known to befriend all the new female recruits and eventually have an HR issue.
10.) The Union Jack – He usually represents the workers’ union, but trust him to make a jackass of himself in any meeting for his offal comments on how the women’s bathroom is too close to the smoking bay, not because his concerns for passive smoking, but because they smokers are disturbed.
There's always a question of whether you should consider the guys at work as 'friends'; some women have proved that strong bonds forged with them can result positively. That's completely at the discretion of the individual in concern.
I've reached the end of my list; have I missed out on a type? What are the types you have encountered? If you and your office BFF have had this convo before, go ahead and hit the ‘share’ button and compare notes!
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[All images are courtesy of Google]