Skip to main content

Things that go through my head when I get a wedding invitation!

June! – ‘Tis the month solely dedicated to pledging your eternal love to your partner, and simultaneously spend the national equivalent of GDP on floral arrangements, photographers, elaborate banquets, and last but not least, create memories of a lifetime. Alas, these are not the sentiments of an average single girl exiting her twenties.

For her (for me), the month of June heralds more, ‘So… when is your big day, ah?' and ‘When are
we going to be invited to your wedding?' It's just dreadful to be alive when your sole definition of pure bliss is to be ‘el-commando' in your PJs, a few iced Milos, and Chinese Dragon takeaway, binge-watching ‘Two Broke Girls'.

When April ends, you know you’re on your own, because May is when you receive wedding invitations. I have a clear folder of all the wedding invitations I have received over the last six years, it was initially for inspiration, now well, remember how you used to press flowers when you were little?

When I do receive an invitation, I always wonder if this is what it must be like to be working in the peacekeeping mission in a war-ravaged country… the inviter (enemy) approaches you, sometimes completely aware, and hand you an envelope (some invitations look like 120 page single ruled books) that I regard as the ammo, and you (victim) receive it because you know there is no way out. You smile tersely, commanding your cheeks and lips to widen to force yourself into an ‘Oh my goodness! I am so thrilled; of course, I will be there'. Sigh.

Maybe it’s just me – or maybe you’re in my boat as well. Here’s what my mind runs through when I receive a wedding invitation; at this point I pray that you’re nodding your head through them as well!

1. The rise of the Bile: In the above scenario, when the victim is ‘hit' the first response is to defend one's self. Before you prepare to say anything, you need to swallow your bile. I kind of know how Eminem felt when he said, ‘His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti’.

2. Cheerleader: This is when you are quickly calculating how long you’ve known the person and evaluate how high-pitched your tone should be when squealing in delight. Should I go for 'ecstatic pig' or 'bulldozer grunt?'

3. The Speech: Now, as much as I hate doing this, there are times when I have had to El-Fake-O my way out of this one. I would politely have to say something uplifting and kind, rather than my usual ‘marriages last five years tops’ speech.

4. The Pondering Panda: I look at this wedding invitation, and mentally count how many there were before this and how many there would be after. I look at my calendar on my phone and key it in with a reminder the day before. Like I am going to forget this!

5. Couture Queen: This is what I dread the most. Planning your outfit so that it doesn’t look like you’ve lost the plot altogether by seeming too drab, and not over-doing it a notch or two so that aunties don’t say, ‘Very good, you have put a nice makeup on’, implying that I am hunting the most eligible bachelor. [Note to reader: ‘a’ was intentional]

6. Table for Two: Yikes! The table plans! I know that this is the part of the wedding that barely gets any attention, and most often you find people wriggling in their seats for the hated crime of being placed to sit next to your ex-boyfriend's sister's neighbor. At this point, you pray that you are placed amongst your friends and certainly not next to the speakers.

7. Judge Me Now, Judge Me Tender: I have to admit, over the last few months fewer people ask embarrassing questions and state the obvious like, ‘You won’t be able to get pregnant over 30, ah!’. Somehow, people have learned not to ask sh*t like that; it’s either that or they’ve heard that I am a multi-linguistic in profanity. That’s something not to dread, but still there would be those couples whose only conversations revolve around ‘my child, my husband’, like don’t you have a life of your own? Somehow, you are forced to smile, be polite and make small talk.

8. Make Way for the Buffet: Even when all fails, at least there is the food to look forward to! This thought can lure me even to the deepest oceans.

There you have it – eight thoughts that run through my head once I get a wedding invitation! Have I missed out on anything? Anyone who could use reading this? Go ahead and hit the ‘share’ button. As always, feel free to let me know your thoughts on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on!

[All images are courtesy of Google]


Read More Here

Relationship Advice from Sri Lankan Aunties

Of Unicorns, Disney Boyfriends, and Glass Slippers

Have fairly tales influenced our decisions? Are the happy endings we read about cause for our constant disappointment?

As I am 27, many many wonderful people take the liberty of reminding me that I am no longer in my ‘blossoming youth’ - I tell them often enough that if they approach these grounds without bodily provision, I will make parts of their anatomies blossom. I am just kidding, I do not say a word, I simply cower away with the most hackneyed excuse of all time ‘I am waiting for my Prince Charming’. To this, I always get the same answer saying that I watch too many sappy movies, read too many Mills & Boons (yes, in secret till I was 20) and watched too many Disney cartoons and I have UNREAL expectations. Can you believe the audacity these people possess?

When I think about this now, I think boys have been influenced by fairy tales far more than girls. Why? If you do think about it, their behaviour, perspectives, and assumptions are rooted in those magical books courtesy o…

Types of Sri Lankan Boyfriends

If you're a Sri Lankan girl under the age of 18, mentioning the ‘B' word will have your parents cartwheeling, calling the best witch doctor in Anuradhapura saying that you're possessed, because, after all, no Sri Lankan female under 30 was allowed to find love on her own accord.
For your Parents, every boy is trying to break open your treasure chest (if you know what I mean) – they are rabid pariahs, almost like anthrax. For every young girl educated in an all-female school until the budding age of 19, they’re lissome creatures, must-haves in every way.
It may not be very evident at first, but Sri Lankan Boyfriends are of several ‘genres’, if you may. Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious types!

1.) Moose:

This is the one who seems to have opinions of humanitarian, thoughts of a poet and a personality of a stone. Scrolling through his news feed, you will find so many interesting posts, quips, and comments, but IRL, he is just like Moose from Archie comics… ‘Duh… that&…

Ways Sri Lankan Girlfriends Drive you Nuts

Sri Lankan girlfriends are the ultimate ‘lunu dehi’ – they're hard to eat and need to be taken in smaller doses with a lot of other things to cut the acidity. The good kind is harder to get a hold of, but you know how amazing your plate of rice tastes with it. The same applies to Sri Lankan girlfriends. This week we pay homage to Sri Lankan girlfriends who seem to master the art of driving their boyfriends loco with carefully concocted ploys like the ones below.
1.)Menu Options Let’s start with my personal favourite. When he texts, “Babe, what do you want to eat?” when he is coming over or is grabbing a takeaway meal, the Sri Lankan girlfriends knows *exactly* what she wants. Whether it is Tipi Tip, Red Velvet Cake, or a 12-pack KFC Hot Drumlets, she knows, but she will wait until her SO tears his hair running out of options. Patiently waiting, tapping her nails, until he consults Yamu and Zomato for all the restaurants in town.
2.)Part Time Bouncer While on the subject of food, on a …

Does Size Matter?

My first question to a close friend after she declares she's just engaged in vigorous copulation is not 'How good was it?' or 'How long did it last?' - It’s ‘How BIG is it?’ I use my hands as means of measurement. Anything from elbow to wrist is a ‘unicorn’ – midway there and I smile my seal of approval. If I have to use my fingers, then it’s a different story altogether.

In strange way, there seems to be a positive correlation between the size of a man's penis and a woman’s satisfaction in bed. Think about it. Women, from the very beginning, have been 'gatherers', which ideally means they sow, reap and they secure provisions for their family. In a contemporary scenario, women are independent and we only expect men to provide the things and feels a dildo cannot. Women are financially independent, confident, career-minded individuals who buy their own Prada bags, drive a swanky number, and book their own vacation air tickets online. As gatherers who presi…