There I was, enjoying my Poya long weekend intending no harm to anyone with a bag of KitKat minis, my favourite blend of Island coffee, and a good read. After something like two hours, I turned to my phone which was on silent mode for the duration – Yay! Three notifications on Facebook!
I couldn't be the only one who has joyous reactions to receiving three notifications only to find it was an event notification, a page ‘like’, and someone else had commented on a post you’ve been tagged in. I put my book down momentarily and scrolled through my feed for a few minutes – aghast, I put it down, far, far, away from me.
As a single girl, a very few things in life irk me. A very few. I have to admit that the content on my Facebook feed constantly jabs so much fright in me that I have contemplated deactivating my account and living in complete oblivion to the technology around me.
Have you felt the same? Have you been so disturbed that your phone memory is utilized mainly to store screenshots of these misdemeanors you have WhatsApp-ed to you social circles? I have to admit the only reason I follow some folks on social media is because of the frequent entertainment!
I compiled a list of things that I, as a singleton welcoming her thirties, am filled with dread every time I want to while away time on social media. [Hang on a sec, just logging into Facebook].
1. Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall: Without a shadow of a doubt, I have to admit that nothing instills more fear in me than posts that talk about creams/lotions with anti-ageing properties AND the appropriate age to start using such would be (you guessed right) thirty. I whine a bit like a baby that’s shat itself.
2. Baby Bonanza: I’m sorry, I was wrong. Nothing instills more fear that reading that a woman in her early thirties cannot conceive and needed to use IVF. For those of you who know me well, you know that I don’t to even want to touch a baby bootie let alone procreate. But, I don’t want to be in a situation where I am told I cannot. I want to be able to call the shots.
3. Gah..Gah.. Graduate: So this is when my friends' offspring has gone from ‘baby’ to third grade and you have been single for almost as long as they have been alive. You realize that they will be adults in ten years and the only thing you see having in ten years are three dogs and a waffle iron that embosses fancy shapes.
4. Mrs. Hoppity-Pop: It’s that time when you break a cold sweat on your forehead when you see friends younger than you had birthed their second child. Not only does this frighten me like finding Annabelle grinning insidiously across the bed, it also irritates me when the go on about how the sole purpose of womanhood is to bear children and how that’s all we need to do. Their smugness reaches out of the phone screen and slaps you across the face.
5. Scratch and Sniff: Like the intimo couple pictures whose mess hair, semi-closed eyes, and flushed faces, tell me that they were engaged in a tango between sheets. Aside from wanting to hurl at the thought, I also find myself miserably wondering if 2016 is a year of having zero unpublished intimate moments.
6. The Award Recipient’s Speech: I can think of birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, and the first thing that comes to mind is the mandatory Facebook status that appreciates everyone from A to Z. For instance, if it’s your birthday, you don’t have to thank your mother for parting her legs to go through labour - it’s a given. What I don’t appreciate about posts of this sort is that I wonder if people do this to compete with each other – my best friends throw me better surprise birthday parties and here’s a collage to prove it.
7. Diseased-Diddy: I was inspired to call it that because I just read an article about P-Diddy. I am afraid to admit that I am all too close to the age where people refer to as being closer to high/low pressure, cholesterol-clogged arteries, and crows' feet (of course, it's a disease).
8. Really Real: That surreal moment when you ‘like’ sponsored real estate Facebook posts and not a stream of a money-sucking retailer.
9. I’m Sure, Insure: The same applies to insurance and you find yourself very interested in what their retirement funds would have in store for you after the age of 55.
10. Buried Berries: This is the sad moment when I *accidentally* stumble upon an old flame’s Facebook profile and he looks ghastly. He was once the fine specimen with piqued pecks, and now he looks like the offspring of illicit moonshine and marijuana mating.
11. Cheesy Charity: I was touched by the millions of Sri Lankans who gave so generously of time, cash, food, and all varied forms of assistance to those affected by Cyclone Roamu. At the same time, I found myself disturbed at seeing a few of these ‘Charitable Charlottes’ making a desperate attempt to make everything a photo-op. Darling, I understand that it rained heavily, and yet you chose to wear a white tank top and took one too many flattering selfies to “display” to the world (‘display’ being the operative word) of your charitable acts?
12. Growing Pains: Thanks to Facebook I am reminded of how stupid I was 5 years ago. Reading through my status updates from those years, I hold m mouth, appalled. I have even checked into places. Ew.
13. Throwback 101: In principle, a hashtagged throwback status should actually throw you back to a few months at least. I am very frightened for the generations before us when I see #throwback updates to the day before.
[All images are courtesy of Google]