There comes a point where you cannot eat any more savoury biscuits. As my staple food for the last ten days, it was supposed to help me cope with PMS-ing, and now my tongue throbs when an aluminum container of biscuits is spotted. What an unsavoury ending that was to my savoury craving (pun intended).
It’s the same with friendship and when it takes an unsavoury turn. I have said this before, and I thought it apt to talk about the heartaches friends cause – it’s not just the D-bags who do this to you (surprise, surprise).
As a single girl, I feel that we are more susceptible to be hurt by the friends around us. These are people we need to stay far, far from because they are usually in your life to gloat at you during your hardest times, await trickles of gossip, and conjure all types of weird-ass sex stories.
Have you encountered any of these types?
1. Wedding Bella: Let’s start with the most common type of fiend. She’s (un)happily married – and wants everyone else to be in her state. With every chance she gets, she will remind you that you have been single for X many years. It makes you wonder if she has an exel sheet with her friends and number of days they have been single for. You don’t like her, no one really does, but social-dos call for a savoire fare, and her favourite line is, ‘Ahh… hi <insert your name>, so so, what’s new? Not married yet, no?’ If each strand of your hair can roll its eyes, it would. You turn into Medusa and stiffly smile as you can't think of anything evil enough but inevitably, you here her frigidly hissing at her husband at the line for dessert for ogling at women at the dance floor.
2. Auntie Agony: You discover her unexpectedly and gloriously flaunt her on Facebook as your ‘Sista’. She patiently listens as you pore over details of your love life, blow by blow. She is your diary, personified. Then suddenly, enter the Boyfriend and you understand how she truly values friendship. You are dumped so hard the floor has an imprint of your derriere. I don’t regret losing people like this because I’ve learned a lesson from her.
3. Ghett-a Life: This is the friend whose clingy messages of wanting to meet you *every* single evening makes you avoid WhatsApp. Thanks to the preview you know not to open the messages when the phone beeps. She monopolizes your time because she rations that you’re single, thus, you don’t have a life. You are always available for her, even the 2 AM hysterical calls. She moves on to a ‘cooler’ Colombo herd and that’s the last of her you hear.
4. Sister Scarcity: Once your shadow, now a ghost to you. For some reason, she has de-friended you on Facebook and doesn’t reply your messages. Oh, well, even cupcakes spoil, you reason with yourself.
5. The X-Miss: The worst kind, undoubtedly. As a single girl, you really question her VS. the lowliest of men. Usually hated by most girls in your group, X-miss is friends with *ALL* your Ex-Boyfriends on Facebook. Some types even hang out with them and don’t even mention it until months later. I may sound like a whiney four-year-old, but apart from the dishonesty, can you imagine how big a laugh the Exes have thinking how their former girlfriends’ friends prefer being fair-weathered friends?
Once as a joke, my Ex said this ‘friend’ would be willing to sleep with him if we broke up one day. It so happened that six years after that relationship ended she is still friends with him; I confronted her and she casually reasoned that he hadn’t done anything wrong to her. You know who I am e-mailing Santa to complain about!
6. Tarty Tacos: This (ahem) friend drunkenly suggests a threesome with a guy you both fancy. Let's say that I could deal with the brazenness but not the fact that she is married. As a single girl, this friend is bad news. STAY FAR AWAY.
7. Sultry Suzie: A random friend on Facebook added Boyfriend 3 as a Friend just because once I had tagged him in check-in and hinted that we were making it official. The best part is you haven’t met/spoken to her in years, but talk about having gall!
8. Oscar Olga: You know how you have a premonition when you spark a friendship with someone so fast that it would end up doomed? That’s this kind for me. You have so much in common; it’s incredible that you aren’t joined at the hip! The rosy haze clears up faster than you can say ‘Titanic’. Hollywood could use storytellers like this; she professes fabled tales about you and heeds a warning to other mutual friends that you are (in her words) ‘Milking you for your money’; you also hear of torrid scandals that she publicizes about you. The only action you have is double-tapping you Instagram screen at night. As a single girl, you should wade clear of Olgas whose stories deserve an Oscar.
My intention of publishing this post was to secretly gain brownie points with guys who constantly say that I’ve relegated them to the lowest point in Doucheville and also to warn you to guard your hearts against ‘seasonals’. Heartache is heartache; the source of the pain is irrelevant. There's a very fine line between ‘friend' and ‘fiend' – just as most women now are careful to whom they give their hearts to, my only wish is that they know to distinguish between friends as well.
Have I missed out on any types? What are the types of friends you’ve encountered? Go ahead and hit the ‘share’ button to send this to your BFF! As always, feel free to let me know your thoughts on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com!