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A Single Girl’s Guide to 2017

As 2017 is fast approaching, it’s only fair Singletons avoid ‘sit-chuations’ in the year ahead. Having said that, be warned that there are certain matters that despite all the preparation in the world, you won’t be able to avoid. Brace yourself for 365 days of commercially wound up nonsense and put on the ultra BS filter glasses, with a cup of cocoa of course.

With my eyes slit and mouth pursed, I can’t help but realize how well advertising agencies know how to manipulate your emotions and your wallet! They really make you question if you love your ‘loved-ones' enough with the weight of your spending; so much so that once you finally tick your shopping list complete, you run one last time to get designer wrapping paper. That, my friend, is consumerism – because it's the wrapper that counts. [I sigh in a silent way of screaming for help]

I decided to dedicate this update to all Singletons to watch out for the impending disasters in 2017 – you can’t be safe, but you can be careful. Let’s focus on your PURPOSE.

1.) New Year’s Sleaze: 

You would avoid the crowd by tucking yourself comfortably in a toilet where you could respond to the five WhatsApp messages from your closest. You don't necessarily feel as giddy when the clock strikes midnight, you just pretend to get excited – ‘What? It's just another year' is your logic. Look out for those overly optimistic couple types who send out incredulously long messages, or post on every possible social media about how happy they are and announcing to the world at large how they are each others' everything. That energy is not bad – it's just toxic levels of cheesy.

2.) Vomitoes:

The warning for Valentines starts just as soon as we recycle the roast chicken leftovers from Christmas into sandwiches – you have no time to breathe, let alone tuck in the slight bulge from the extended festivities. There’s no escaping this, really. You just have to suck it up, I’m afraid. The plus side of this is that you can guiltlessly walk into any confectioner and pretend you are making a purchase of a six-pack of cupcakes for a significant other. You can even add the following conversation for better effect: “Honey, I am at Coco Verandah; what was that? You want three slices of carrot cake? Four ? Oh, no problem – and what was that? Cheesecake as well?” Take advantage, Dear Singletons, Valentines comes but once a year!
During this time, avoid mainstream restaurants as well – their overly eager Maitre D's often annoy you with the constant, ‘Madam, Sir will be joining?' and you have to quietly explain you're having dinner with a friend. When your BFF arrives, the horrified look underscores his very thoughts of my sexual orientation.

3.) Easy Now – Easter:

Easter is harmless in comparison to what you will have to undergo over the year; if you’re lucky you’d land a few of those limited edition Lindt Easter bunnies as well. Social media is, well, tricky, because you'd have a range of traditional ‘On-The-Way-To-Church' selfies with the significant others. Sigh. It's almost 2017 and you'd think humankind would be done with this selfie business.

4.) Sweet Meat-osis:
Sinhala and Tamil New Year is great; you're given about three months to recover from the food coma in December only to stuff yourself with more reasons to buy comfier jeans to fit your portentous belly. Now even though the main emphasis is to show the world how vast a mansion you live in, you'd be surprised with how many other gifting rituals ‘The Coupled' flaunt. It isn't as terrible because you have greasy sweet meat to compensate and the chances are you won't be seeing too many from the greasy fingerprints you leave on your phone screens from dipping your hand into far too many meats.

5.) May You Vanish Away:

May Day or Labour Day, is typically bridged to enjoy a long weekend. Be verrry careful of the long weekend vacay photos that will grace your social media feed. See, you know you wouldn't normally mind the pictures of the exotic locations but when you innocently click on an album labelled ‘Down South' and you see their significant other with their tongue sticking out so hard you see a glimpse of their brain, you feel compelled to burn your phone. #ConjuringRemade

6.) Oktober-Fuss:

What's the deal with pumpkin spiced lattes? I mean, 97% of the Sri Lankan population hate eating pumpkin despite its high nutrient values, and they're posting about ‘wishing they'd have one right now' is a tad bit questionable. Also, as far as I am concerned when did Sri Lanka experience Autumn? Singletons, be wary of all these mindless hashtags with their beaus – it’s just a trap.

7.) Christmassing:

As the first Christmas with The Boyfriend, I remembered all too clearly of how the years before that I splurged that fat bonus on me, myself, and I. I understand now that when you’re in the land of the ‘Taken’ you have ZERO clue about how lonely the other side can be – I am here to tell you: YOU HAVE WON. When you’re single, the holidays mean not showering for days, not having to trim the stache, and treating to yourself to the spa without any guilt. Don’t mind the Christmas selfies or the ‘what he got me’ pictures too much – trust me, they’d trade the unlimited, unquestioned sleep any day!

There you have it – seven occasions of the calendar that many, many singletons the world over dread! It’s funny how each occasion for those in relationships seem like an opportunity to flaunt what you don’t have; society doesn’t empathize with others as they should, and remember that there’s more to say with less that appears on social media.

Have I missed out on anything? Can you add to this? Is Share your thoughts with me via Ms. Confidential live on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on! Don’t forget to share this post and look out for next week’s update and have an amazing 2017!

[All images are courtesy of Google]


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