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When on a Date in Sri Lanka

If you've reached the time in your life where you start dating, you know full well that in Sri Lanka, it has to be done on the sly. There are many people who might have 'reactions'; for instance, if your parents find that you have been painting the C-town red: 1.) They will rush to drop a marriage proposal ad in the Sunday Times and marry you off to the next person who has a visa to Australia 2.) Behead you, ISIS style.
Even in my (ahem) thirties, I am ravaged with so many questions from parents, relatives, and the neighbour’s security uncle who seems to be very interested in the time I clock in at home. Like me, I am sure there are others who face similar situations when it comes to Dating in Sri Lanka – and I thought it was appropriate to pen down some of them as we draw 2017 to a close.

  1. Finding just the right Outfit

When and if you are asked on a date, it would be easier to find Pennywise in a drain trap than find something inexpensive and stylish under 10 grand in Sri Lanka. You could visit the so-called big names in Colombo – Bore-del, Belly Blender and B-Shocked and find rags, curtain material, or feather duster like garments that might fetch you a high price down Dickman's Road after 10 pm.

  1. Securing your Chariot

Every single time you need to book a cab, you cannot find anything less than a 2.4x surcharge. Or you find a colossal prick who is blatantly rude and does not arrive at the given location after giving him step-by-step directions to your home.
You don't live on Pigeon's Island - how difficult is it to negotiate 2 bends, 1 round-about, and find your house number.

  1. May I have the Menu?

Restaurants in Colombo have a tendency to boom and whither just as frequently as 'Kadupul' flowers that bloom only at night. I have a list of restaurants that I plan to visit and by the time I do, I often find a kids' clothing store or an abandoned building.
If you do have a decent spot, it's not often that you are able to secure a reservation without 17 calls to the Maitre D and them forgetting it anyway and you are shoved under a drippy air conditioner.

  1. Security Scans

Most often when you male accomplice drops you home you need to tell him to lower his headlights, remove his number plate, convert his car into non-music blaring mini disco A La Transformer style so that you can run in unnoticed. Even though your parents understand ‘urges', your neighbours are just discovering theirs.

  1. Fearing that you will be Over Dressed

Once you pick the right outfit and order half a Huda Beauty cosmetic store, your real fears come to light. What if he turns up in shorts? What if he wears flip-flops. You're haunted for the next 72 hours until you realise he's a perfect gentleman is dressed in clean chinos.

  1. Running into his Ex

The day Hell truly freezes over. Even Satan and his fiendish occupants feel your wintry glare of death. You know that wearing the falsies were never a bad choice.

  1. Running into your Ex

That beautiful, triumphant moment when you execute the perfect hair flick in synchronicity that couldn't come to pass even if you rehearsed it, while he – the unwanted one, walks past you.

  1. Settling the Score

Now, I may rant about feminism and try to taser males who ridicule women for the choices of makeup, food, and clothing – but  I couldn't respect a man who asks a woman out and didn't offer to pay the bill. They may earn more, drive a better car, have more letters of the alphabet after their names, but if she's there spending time with you, this is the least you can do. Oh, she may pull out her wallet and even flash her card, but you, sir, need to settle the score in toto.

  1. Avoiding the Satellites

You can be out on a date sitting three feet apart, with 70% of your body covered, but that doesn't do anything for the ‘satellites' that broadcast updates of your scandalous behaviour at dinner, wearing nothing but a sheer dress.

For someone on a date, they are not just spending time with a bloke they like, they are fighting their personal Waterloo.  The dress, hair, ride, and dining spots have to meet a perfect equilibrium.
For an ordinary girl, dating meant a meeting with a person you were interested in. For a Sri Lankan, this is a conquest of battling neighbours, parents, and a jungle of things that you least expect. Kudos to anyone who survives a night and lives to tell the tale.

I’ve reached the end of my rendition of ‘When on a Date in Sri Lanka'; do let me know if I’ve missed out on any. Show me some love by hitting that ‘share’ button and don’t forget to check Ms Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter.

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