I don’t know about you, but I’m counting the minutes until I get my bonus this Christmas. I’m expecting a call any moment now from my bank to warn me of suspicious online activity because I keep logging back in to check my balance every 17 minutes. Why are Accountants and finance departments in general so pompous, being secretive about how much the bonus is and when it will be transferred – it’s not like it’s Frodo’s ‘precious’ ring Frodo after all?
While you battle this, you will also be baffled by a few couple-y things Sri Lankans do while you set about to your errands this season. It’s bad enough that you constantly use the calculator function on your phone so that you don’t max out your Debit card; now you and other shoppers in Colombo have to deal with some of the following:
1.) The Endless PDA
This isn’t limited to the Season, but all year through; however, during Christmas, the Breudher induced affection reaches new heights. Holding hands, walking in slow motion, oblivious to the long lines they are creating, disrupting your speed-shopping. They can be found in a cafe, nibbling on a single slice of cake and slurping ice coffee through a straw cooing and crooning in each other’s ears.
2.) Under-Utilised Space
Have you walked into McDonald's or KFC at anytime of day and find two people seated in a large booth? As a result, families of 8 have to struggle to piece smaller tables together so they could have a conversation. I go to Mc Donalds to get dirty; for me, it's a private affair between me, Fillet-O’-Fish burgers, and greasy hands. It’s bad enough that I walk out hanging my head in shame like a Sri Lankan girl who has just attained age and is being paraded at a ‘party’, now I have to worry about not being able to get decent seating too.
3.) Clothing Cacophony
Clothing stores like ‘Blondie’ have restricted access to men in their trial room section. But, Sri Lankan men being true to their cause tend to ignore the bright red signage that heeds them. Women, on the other hand, emerge out of those changing rooms as if only dressed in a ‘diya redde’ and say, ‘Baba, is this nice?’ knowing full well that they look the bomb. The clueless men spent the next forty minutes trying to convince them of things that they already know.
What they don’t realise is that you have to be back in office in 20 minutes because you said you’ve just stepped out for lunch and you have thirteen items you need to try on.
4.) The Incessant Fights
Along with the PDA, you also hear the couple-y fights. They tend to yell blue murder at each other and for matters that can range from him checking out other women, for him not paying attention, or that she is spending far too much on things she already has enough of. If you're trying to get to a cashier and there's a full-blown fight about who needs to pay, this is enough to bring out your inner Grinch.
5.) Mama Sugar
This could be envy speaking, but don’t you just hate it when the privileged girlfriend gets the entire collection from ALDO and makes it a point to parade herself and speak loudly, flaunting Sugar Daddy merchandise telling the sales assistant, ‘It’s so hard to choose, meya. I look good in all these dresses noh’. The Sugar Daddy sits in corner twiddling with his Smartphone, unknown to him his credit card hits new heights. You wonder what ‘new lows’ went down for her favourable quintuple figured bill.
I love Christmas as much as the next person, but there's no denying Sri Lankan couples can really distract you from enjoying the holiday cheer. You wonder if they're completely oblivious to their behaviour. I understand that this is the season of giving, but the least they can do is not give us headaches. It’s bad enough that the season exerts extra stress on our wallets, tummies, now you need to deal with this too!
I’ve reached the end of my rendition of ‘Sri Lankan Couple-y Things you will encounter this Christmas’; Can you relate to anything? Comment below on your experiences and don't forget to hit the ‘share' button.
[All images & gifs are courtesy of Giphy.com]