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The Sri Lankan Couples Calendar for 2018

Just when you think you’ve escaped the overly dramatic New Year’s kiss, hiding away in the ladies’ washroom because somehow you really don’t understand the hype behind the dawning of yet another year, or when you look like something the cat threw up turning up bleary-eyed even on the second working day of the year, you need to brace yourself for the year that’s ahead of you.
1. The Vee
In something like forty-five days, we will usher the festival of that nudist cherub Cupid, and have to dole out expensive gifts, trips to the salon, and expensive dinners – it will be like Christmas all over again. Couples everywhere will be on a rampage of posting collages of what their SO got them, where they took them, and what they looked like just because. While Single people busy themselves with uber comfortable tees, unwashed hair, enjoying a classic string hopper kottu, streaming TV series, you’re out there spending cash you don’t have, which you should be spending on other things, cleaving into a cycle of #foreverdebt not love.
2. Bunny-Lovin’
Easter has slowly made its way into the Sri Lankan Calendar, but if you ask anyone what it signifies they might just answer that it’s symbolic of the birth of the Easter Bunny. However, an Easter champagne brunch is never missed, selfies with animal filters are mandated, and the Singleton wonders if there is an escape.
3. April Adventures
During the Sinhala and Tamil New Year when everyone’s on holiday you see the exotic trips to Bali, Greece, or even the African continent and you’re just too lazy to get down from your vehicle to get dinner so you end up parking at Pilawoos. Why, goodbye, April Bonus.
4. Nuptial News
Towards the latter part of April and early May, wedding invitations for the month of June are received and the flood of relatives who encounter you at these special family occasions take delight in badgering you to ‘set the date’ for your nuptials. If you have the pleasure of having your Boyfriend invited to these soirees, you’re guaranteed much awkwardness as you mumble something out to appease relatives so that they leave you alone! You spend the rest of the evening avoiding eye contact with each other.
Being at a family wedding is worse than taking a CIMA examination without even flipping a page of your textbooks open – or being like those famous palm readers in Sri Lanka who repeat the same forecast of future for everyone like a loop. You really have no clue how to get through some of these questions.
5. Thankful for What?
Thanksgiving is making it big in Sri Lanka, with many hotels and restaurants claiming to offer authentic dining experiences. Now, not only are you living in abject poverty paying off the massive credit card bills for the gifts you’ve had to purchase your Significant Other, you now have to prepare for Christmas. You silently pray hoping that he or she doesn’t even realise it’s Thanksgiving so that you can avoid the fuss.
6. Season of Tears (Not the Happy Kind)
Christmas is no longer a joyous season. It's, in fact, the worst time of the year where you avoid answering unknown numbers fearing it could be your bank telling you that you've exceeded your credit limit, or demanding your arrears that you have accrued since September. You also ensure to walk in groups so that they cannot physically drag you to the nearest police station. You’re so poor that even starving children in Africa are praying for you. For those of you who would now have received their credit card statement will know exactly what I’m on to.

For anyone complaining about the lack of love and relationships, be very sure you understand what you're asking for. Being in a relationship, especially in Sri Lanka demands that you have a strategy to get through each month in the best, economically sound way! With all this fiscal policy management you might even qualify for a job at the Central Bank.
What are some of the annual celebrations that you’re forced to go through? Let me know in the comments below.
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Relationship Advice from Sri Lankan Aunties

Of Unicorns, Disney Boyfriends, and Glass Slippers

Have fairly tales influenced our decisions? Are the happy endings we read about cause for our constant disappointment?

As I am 27, many many wonderful people take the liberty of reminding me that I am no longer in my ‘blossoming youth’ - I tell them often enough that if they approach these grounds without bodily provision, I will make parts of their anatomies blossom. I am just kidding, I do not say a word, I simply cower away with the most hackneyed excuse of all time ‘I am waiting for my Prince Charming’. To this, I always get the same answer saying that I watch too many sappy movies, read too many Mills & Boons (yes, in secret till I was 20) and watched too many Disney cartoons and I have UNREAL expectations. Can you believe the audacity these people possess?

When I think about this now, I think boys have been influenced by fairy tales far more than girls. Why? If you do think about it, their behaviour, perspectives, and assumptions are rooted in those magical books courtesy o…

Types of Sri Lankan Boyfriends

If you're a Sri Lankan girl under the age of 18, mentioning the ‘B' word will have your parents cartwheeling, calling the best witch doctor in Anuradhapura saying that you're possessed, because, after all, no Sri Lankan female under 30 was allowed to find love on her own accord.
For your Parents, every boy is trying to break open your treasure chest (if you know what I mean) – they are rabid pariahs, almost like anthrax. For every young girl educated in an all-female school until the budding age of 19, they’re lissome creatures, must-haves in every way.
It may not be very evident at first, but Sri Lankan Boyfriends are of several ‘genres’, if you may. Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious types!

1.) Moose:

This is the one who seems to have opinions of humanitarian, thoughts of a poet and a personality of a stone. Scrolling through his news feed, you will find so many interesting posts, quips, and comments, but IRL, he is just like Moose from Archie comics… ‘Duh… that&…

Ways Sri Lankan Girlfriends Drive you Nuts

Sri Lankan girlfriends are the ultimate ‘lunu dehi’ – they're hard to eat and need to be taken in smaller doses with a lot of other things to cut the acidity. The good kind is harder to get a hold of, but you know how amazing your plate of rice tastes with it. The same applies to Sri Lankan girlfriends. This week we pay homage to Sri Lankan girlfriends who seem to master the art of driving their boyfriends loco with carefully concocted ploys like the ones below.
1.)Menu Options Let’s start with my personal favourite. When he texts, “Babe, what do you want to eat?” when he is coming over or is grabbing a takeaway meal, the Sri Lankan girlfriends knows *exactly* what she wants. Whether it is Tipi Tip, Red Velvet Cake, or a 12-pack KFC Hot Drumlets, she knows, but she will wait until her SO tears his hair running out of options. Patiently waiting, tapping her nails, until he consults Yamu and Zomato for all the restaurants in town.
2.)Part Time Bouncer While on the subject of food, on a …

Does Size Matter?

My first question to a close friend after she declares she's just engaged in vigorous copulation is not 'How good was it?' or 'How long did it last?' - It’s ‘How BIG is it?’ I use my hands as means of measurement. Anything from elbow to wrist is a ‘unicorn’ – midway there and I smile my seal of approval. If I have to use my fingers, then it’s a different story altogether.

In strange way, there seems to be a positive correlation between the size of a man's penis and a woman’s satisfaction in bed. Think about it. Women, from the very beginning, have been 'gatherers', which ideally means they sow, reap and they secure provisions for their family. In a contemporary scenario, women are independent and we only expect men to provide the things and feels a dildo cannot. Women are financially independent, confident, career-minded individuals who buy their own Prada bags, drive a swanky number, and book their own vacation air tickets online. As gatherers who presi…