Just when you think you’ve escaped the overly dramatic New Year’s kiss, hiding away in the ladies’ washroom because somehow you really don’t understand the hype behind the dawning of yet another year, or when you look like something the cat threw up turning up bleary-eyed even on the second working day of the year, you need to brace yourself for the year that’s ahead of you.
1. The Vee
In something like forty-five days, we will usher the festival of that nudist cherub Cupid, and have to dole out expensive gifts, trips to the salon, and expensive dinners – it will be like Christmas all over again. Couples everywhere will be on a rampage of posting collages of what their SO got them, where they took them, and what they looked like just because. While Single people busy themselves with uber comfortable tees, unwashed hair, enjoying a classic string hopper kottu, streaming TV series, you’re out there spending cash you don’t have, which you should be spending on other things, cleaving into a cycle of #foreverdebt not love.
Easter has slowly made its way into the Sri Lankan Calendar, but if you ask anyone what it signifies they might just answer that it’s symbolic of the birth of the Easter Bunny. However, an Easter champagne brunch is never missed, selfies with animal filters are mandated, and the Singleton wonders if there is an escape.
3. April Adventures
During the Sinhala and Tamil New Year when everyone’s on holiday you see the exotic trips to Bali, Greece, or even the African continent and you’re just too lazy to get down from your vehicle to get dinner so you end up parking at Pilawoos. Why, goodbye, April Bonus.
4. Nuptial News
Towards the latter part of April and early May, wedding invitations for the month of June are received and the flood of relatives who encounter you at these special family occasions take delight in badgering you to ‘set the date’ for your nuptials. If you have the pleasure of having your Boyfriend invited to these soirees, you’re guaranteed much awkwardness as you mumble something out to appease relatives so that they leave you alone! You spend the rest of the evening avoiding eye contact with each other.
Being at a family wedding is worse than taking a CIMA examination without even flipping a page of your textbooks open – or being like those famous palm readers in Sri Lanka who repeat the same forecast of future for everyone like a loop. You really have no clue how to get through some of these questions.
5. Thankful for What?
Thanksgiving is making it big in Sri Lanka, with many hotels and restaurants claiming to offer authentic dining experiences. Now, not only are you living in abject poverty paying off the massive credit card bills for the gifts you’ve had to purchase your Significant Other, you now have to prepare for Christmas. You silently pray hoping that he or she doesn’t even realise it’s Thanksgiving so that you can avoid the fuss.
6. Season of Tears (Not the Happy Kind)
Christmas is no longer a joyous season. It's, in fact, the worst time of the year where you avoid answering unknown numbers fearing it could be your bank telling you that you've exceeded your credit limit, or demanding your arrears that you have accrued since September. You also ensure to walk in groups so that they cannot physically drag you to the nearest police station. You’re so poor that even starving children in Africa are praying for you. For those of you who would now have received their credit card statement will know exactly what I’m on to.
For anyone complaining about the lack of love and relationships, be very sure you understand what you're asking for. Being in a relationship, especially in Sri Lanka demands that you have a strategy to get through each month in the best, economically sound way! With all this fiscal policy management you might even qualify for a job at the Central Bank.
What are some of the annual celebrations that you’re forced to go through? Let me know in the comments below.
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